The Planet of the Cats. The second and concluding part of our venture into outer space (see part one here). To recap - Bonzo the dog - better known as Astropup - was an ordinary pet dog belonging to Jenny. When his family moved to Kuwait, Pa gave him to the Space Centre. From there he was sent on a journey to another planet in the company of a cat and a parrot. This was unfortunate, as Bonzo hates cats more than anything in the universe.

The new planet looks like Earth by the sea-side. But what sort of creatures live there ? Will they be nice or scary ? And will Astropup ever return home to see Jenny again? Listen and find out.

Voices by Natasha. Duration 20.33.

The cat said that if we stayed on the beach, we would die of hunger. But I said that wasn’t strictly true. We would die of thirst before we died of hunger. We argued about that point for a little while, but eventually we agreed to go in-land. We climbed up the dunes, and nosed our way through some long grass. The parrot flew over-head, and it was then that I saw that she had a something strapped to her foot. When I pointed this out to the cat she said,

“Haven’t you noticed that before? It’s a camera. She’s filming us, so that the humans can see what we are doing. They were too afraid to come here themselves, so they’ve sent us to explore and the parrot to film us.”

By that stage, I really didn’t know whether or not to believe a word that cat said. I was still looking out of the the house of Jenny’s grandma.

We came to a wood and a stream, and lapped up pure cold water. The cat said that proved she was right. We weren’t going to die of thirst, but we were going to die of hunger. I was too tiered to argue any more. We went to sleep, and in the morning continued on our journey. I chased a few rabbits and squirrels, but didn’t catch anything. The cat said that was because I yapped and made too much noise. If only I would leave the hunting to her, she would have a chance. And I told her that if only she would learn to keep her mouth shut, she would be much improved as a traveling companion.

At long last we saw a house. It wasn’t the house that belonged to Jenny’s grandma, but I thought that the people who lived there would know how to help us. I told the cat to fluff up her fur and look cute, if that was possible for a cat to do. I practiced waggling my ears. That usually does the trick.

We went up to the door and I woofed politely. Nobody came out, so I woofed a little louder. The parrot sat up in a tree and watched us, still pointing that camera thing on his foot at us. Then from inside I heard something like a mee-ow. Uh-oh, I thought . Some people like cats, and other people like dogs, and this time it looks like Mog’s in luck, not me.

The door opened a crack, and I prepared to waggle my ears and role my eyes with all might might. My little tail was thumping on the ground of its own accord. But my hopes were not high, for my nostrils were filling up with the strongest smell of cat I had ever experienced. Oh, no, I thought. They must have hundreds of cats in there. What a dump !

The door opened more and somebody stepped out. I looked up and saw the strangest, weirdest, most horrific face I had ever seen. It was like a human face, but then it was also like a cat face. It had lips like a human, but long pointed teeth like a cat. It had a human nose, but a cat’s whiskers. It’s eyes were diamond shaped, and a scary green color, and its ears were pointed.

I am proud to say that I didn’t whimper, and I didn’t whine. In my heart I was terrified, but outwardly I was up for a fight to the death. I snarled at that dreadful cat person, and showed my teeth and all my gums. He or she or it, backed off behind the door, and I slowly withdrew down the path. By the time I reached the gate, I saw that the thing had come out again, and was cradling the cat, my former traveling companion, in its arms like a baby. And the Earth Mog had a big cheesy grin all over her smarmy face. That was the last I saw of her.

I continued down the road, full of trepidation. I saw a bicycle up ahead, and for safety’s sake, dived into the ditch and hid. When it got closer, I saw that its rider was cat-person. Half of me wanted to chase it down the road, but I resisted the temptation. Next an even stranger contraption came along. It was truly a sight that no self-respecting dog would ever want to see, and I tremble to tell you of it. It was a carriage, of the sort that I’ve seen in the park back on Earth. The driver and passengers were both cat people, but that wasn’t the worst of it. For it was pulled along, not by horses as you would expect back home, but by two great shaggy sheep dogs. Ahow Ahow Ahow ! The shame of it ! Dogs working like slaves for Cats !

By night fall, I was more hungry than terrified, and I began to wonder if the cat’s prediction of death by starvation would come true. I was so hungry I could have eaten fish, and normally I hate fish more than anything.

I came to another house, and from a distance I saw two dogs - little Jack Russell’s - tied up to a kennel. They were both eating from a bowl, and I went up and whispered, “Hey boys, could you spare a few morsels for a starving canine cousin.”

They both looked at me like they didn’t understand animal speak. So I repeated my request, and still they were dumb. Cautiously, I came forward and took a bite from their bowl. They didn’t stop me, but they didn’t need to. It tasted quite disgusting, and I spat it out. Only then did I see what it was. A dead mouse !

Another horror to add to my long list of horrors ! Dogs forced to eat mice ! If you’ve ever wondered what a world rule by cats would be like - and why in the universe should you have had such a dreadful thought - this is what it would be like. Disgusting and degrading from start to finish.

The next morning, I was sleeping in a ditch, and I was so hungry that I was starting to regret not eating that mouse. That Mog’s prediction was coming closer to fulfillment. Aw Awooooo ! What a way to go to the next world ! On an empty stomach ! Oh, I forgot, I already was in a different world. Silly me. That was the hunger getting to my brain.

When the dog catchers came, I was already too weak to run away. Two cat people wearing masks over their moggy features, scooped me up on a spade and shoveled me into a the back of a cart. I was only just aware of bumping along the road. When we arrived at the end of our journey, I saw that the cart was pulled by a couple of German Shepherd Dog Slaves. A cat person dragged me, half dead, into a building. At least it was filled with canine sounds, but they were far from comforting. This was a giant prison-kennel, full of dogs barking and howling. I could not understand the local language on this planet, but I could tell you for sure that those weren’t happy doggies. I would say they were close to going crazy.

I was shown into a prison cell inside of which were ten other dogs, but at least there was a trough of water. My fellow couped up pouches weren’t a bad lot. Although we had no words in common, I could tell they were making the best of things . It seemed to me that they were making jokes at the expense of the cat people. It was a pity I could not have joined in, but then again, even if I could have told them that I had dropped in from another world - a world were all dogs looked down on cats and chased them up trees - a world where dogs were respected and called “man’s best friend” - they would hardly have believed me. In fact, they would have called me nuts.

I managed to get some light sleep, but some time in the middle of the night, I was awoken by a light tap on the nose. I half opened one eye, so that anybody looking couldn’t really tell whether I was awake or not, and I made out the shape of a bird flapping around our kennel. It took me a while to realise who it was .

“Hello Parrot,” I said, “Did they lock you up here too?”

“No, you stupid mutt,” said the Parrot. “I’ve come to rescue you. Hang on a mo!” and with that he flew through out the bars and started work on the bolt that kept the door shut. It was clearly a lot of effort for a parrot to slide that bolt, but he was stronger than he looked, and somehow he managed it. The door creaked open, and I got to my feet.

“Hurry up” said the bird, but I couldn’t leave without the others, and so I woofed to my cell mates to wake the up. They did indeed wake, but so did the guard, a great brute of a cat person. He came at us, waving a big stick, but one of the mongrels in our cage rushed at him a bit his ankle. The cat person was meeowing with surprise and rage. I don’t suppose any dog had dared do that to him before - but it was too late for him to raise the alarm, because we were on the way out. A sheep dog knocked over another guard on final exit, and we were free and running down the road at full tilt. The parrot flapped in front squawking, “Follow me” and we kept on running till I could smell the sea air once again, and soon we were on the moon-lit beach. Two of the dogs from the prison had kept up with us - a speedy little whippet and the mongrel who had bit the guard by the ankle. The others had scattered into the woods.

The parrot led the way back to the space ship. “Those two can’t come in. There’s no room,” he said. But I insisted. I wasn’t going to leave my own kind behind in this dog-forsaken cat world. So in they came, and the door closed behind us. We waited an awfully long time, and some cat people must have found the rocket, because we could hear them clawing on the side of the space ship, but then it began to rumble and roar. I hope we singed a few cat whiskers on take-off.

On the long journey home the parrot explained quite a bit too me. He was the most highly qualified bird working at the space center. He could speak several languages including bird language, animal language, and was totally fluent in human language too. He had passed all the space center’s trickiest tests and exams with flying parrot colors. As a result he had been selected for this incredibly important mission. You see, a deep space probe had discovered a new planet. The evidence suggested that the planet was chiefly inhabited by cats and dogs. The top scientists decided to send a cat and a dog from earth as ambassadors, but as none could be found who spoke human language, it had been decided to send this most extraordinary parrot to go with us and report back. The scientists wanted us back on earth so they could watch the film and see what the planet and its inhibitions looked like. Oh boy. They were in for a surprise.

We were happy though, for we knew we were traveling to a world where we would be respected and fed nice food out of tins. The other two dogs started to learn some of our language, and I was able to tell them that and next time they set eyes on a mog, they could chase scoundrel up a tree.

We landed once again with a nasty bump. They really ought to design a space ship with a soft landing. It just goes to show that the people who make those things never travel in them. When the door opened, we slid down the slide onto hot sand. It was so hot that it made our paws want to dance. But soon enough people arrived in buggies traveling over the sand dunes, and some of them were pointing cameras at us. We were taken back to a big house where more people were waiting and clapping.

We were led in side and watered and fed to our hearts’ and stomachs’ content. Some nasty vets did take a look at us, but a short sharp jab in the behind was a small price to pay for returning back to a decent world where cats know their place. It was certainly a hot and sunny country though. I asked the parrot where we were, and he said it was called Kuwait.

Kuwait. That sounded familiar, but after all my adventures, I couldn’t quite say where I had heard that name before. It was only later that evening when I heard a lovely voice calling “Bonzo ! Do you remember me? ” when I twigged it. Yes, this was where my family had come to live, and now Jenny had come to meet me.

How lovely it was to see my best friend. She was cuddling me and kissing me, and telling me that I was her hero. She had seen me on the television news, and they had dubbed me Astropup.

I wasn’t allowed home for a week or two while the space center did tests on me, but now I’m back with Jenny in her new house in Kuwait. Sometimes I see the other two dogs from the cat planet. They’ve found good homes too, and are spoiled rotten. There’s a cat who lives in a house nearby, but I can’t even be bothered to chase him. He’s beneath my contempt.

Occasionally I’m invited onto a television or radio show, and they show the pictures the parrot took of me as I snarled at that evil cat person. Pa likes to boast about me, as if he was the one who had trained up his dog to be a famous explorer and pioneer in space.
Just yesterday, Pa said that soon we will be going back to live in our to our usual country. We’ll be going by plane I’m glad to say. No more space ships for me. Not ever again.

Storynory journeys into outer-space. This out-of-the way travelogue is told in two parts by Bonzo the dog, otherwise known to the world as Astropup. (Both parts collected here).

Bonzo is an ordinary pet, until one day his family moves to Kuwait. Pa (Dad) says that Bonzo can’t come with them, and he donates Bonzo to the Space Centre. There he meets a cat and a parrot, and from the first the three animals do nothing but quarrel. Unfortunately, they have to put up with each other’s company because they have been chosen to travel together on a mission to another planet .

You will be able to catch the second and final part next week

Read by Natasha. Sponsored by Audible books. Duration 15.29.

Hello. My real name is Bonzo, which is quite a boring name for a dog. But nowadays, most people know me by my nickname, which is much more exciting. They call me, Astropup.

I used to live an ordinary sort of life, chewing slippers, chasing cats and birds, and generally amusing the family I lived with. They were all kind of cute, especially the little girl whose name was Jenny. Jenny used to cuddle me and take me for walks. But I always suspected that Pa didn’t like me much. He never really forgave me for the time I had an accident in his new car. I was only a very small puppy at the time, and hadn’t learned that you have to go outside under a tree, but after that little mishap he always looked at me in a suspicious sort of way. One evening, after Jenny had gone to bed, I heard him say to Ma: “Of course we’ll have to get rid of the dog. Jenny will be upset, but she’ll soon get over it when she makes lots of new friends in Kuwait.”

I didn’t know where Kuwait was. It might as well as be a different planet as far as I was concerned. But I got the message that the whole family was moving there and Bonzo the dog wasn’t going with them.

I tried to explain all this to Jenny in the morning. I looked at her pleadingly with my big brown eyes while she was eating her breakfast. She sneaked me a bit of toast under the table, which was very kind of her, but it wasn’t what I meant. Just then Pa came into the kitchen and shooed me out into the garden. Nasty man.

Normally, after Pa has dropped Jenny off at School, we don’t see him until evening, and we can all get on with our business without being shooed and ordered about, but this time he came back home straight away. I knew that something was up. Soon he was pulling me by the lead to the back of his car. I dug my heals in as best I could, but he was much bigger than me. If you are a dog, you soon learn that it’s best to trot along on the lead, rather than to sit down and be dragged. You end up at the same place, but with fewer bumps on your behind. I hopped into the car, but without any enthusiasm. Somehow I didn’t think that were were going walkies in the park. Pa drove out of the town and onto the big road. I got bored and thirsty and went to sleep on the back seat, but I didn’t have any nice dreams. Eventually I realised that Pa was parking the car, and I pressed my nose against the window to see where we were. It was a strange place, rather desperately in need of some grass and few nice trees. It was all hot tarmac, gleaming glass, and concrete.

Pa led me inside a huge building. After a long wait, a woman dressed in a white coat came to collect me. Ah-oh, I thought. This is one of those vets. I know what that means. Kind, weezily words like, “Nice doggy, this won’t hurt you” that nobody but a fool would believe. Then all of a sudden, a sharp jab in the behind. The treachery !

Pa left me there without so much as a curt pat on the head. AW! AW! if only Jenny knew that I was here. The woman put me - would you believe it, into A CAGE ! The humiliation of it ! Me, a loved family pet, dumped in the animal prison. For I wasn’t the only creature there. I was sharing this gaol with a cat, a monkey and a parrot, each in its own cage. I couldn’t even be bothered to snarl at the cat. What was the point? We were all suffering together.

AooooW ! AoooooW !

After a while, the cat said to me.

“Stop moaning pooch features. You won’t be here long. They only need intelligent animals in this place.’

“What for?” I asked.

“Why, haven’t you read the poster on the wall?” asked the cat. “Oh, pardon me. I forgot for a moment. You’re a dog so you’re too stupid to read. Well I’ll tell you. That’s a picture of a rocket, and the writing says that this is a space center. This is where they pick animals to be astronauts and to go to places in the sky. But as I said, you needn’t worry. Only intelligent animals can pass all the tests.”

Of course I didn’t believe her. Cats talk the most utter nonsense - you know.

The cat hissed, “Stupid Pooch!” And I snarled through the bars of my cage. She wouldn’t have dared be so rude if I could have got anywhere near her. The parrot started repeating “Stupid Pooch, Stupid Pooch” And I barked and the cat screamed, and soon the woman in the white coat was in to see what all the fuss was about.

“Now, now you three,’ She said. “ They can probably hear this racket on the other side of the galaxy” She looked cross, but she did open my cage and let me out. I felt very superior as we left the others behind. But the place she led me to smelt of disinfectant mixed with pee. That was where they gave me the soft talk followed by sharp jab in the behind. I knew it ! The traitors ! Soon my eyes felt heavy and I wanted to take a nap. I curled round, tucked my nose under my paw, and I was out.

I woke up in a strange room. It was a bit like Pa’s car, only bigger and without any windows. The cat and the parrot were there too. The cat was eyeing up the parrot as if she wanted to eat him, but the parrot was safe behind a glass wall. The cat and I were free to roam around, so at least she had to show me a bit of respect, in case I might nip her. That was good. Things had been arranged so that I was in charge. Then some lights started to flash, and there was a rumbling noise for a long time. The cat looked as sick as a parrot and the parrot looked as sick as well, a parrot, and I Iooked - probably much the same.

A voice squarked “10, 9, 8….” I looked up and saw it was the parrot speaking.

“Oh do shut up you stupid bird,” said the cat. And it was then that the whole caboodle started to roar and shake. At first it felt like my tummy was dropping down into my paws, and then, after quite a while, things seemed to go back to normal. It was quite dark, apart from some strange greenish lights. . I wanted to go to back sleep, but the cowardly meowing of the cat kept me awake.

“Listen Mog, “ I said. “If we are all going to die, let’s die quietly. And that’s an order.” But she didn’t shut up until much later.

Eventually, I fell asleep, and when I woke up I saw that some breakfast had arrived in two bowls, one for me, and one for that cat. And the cat had eaten both of them. This was too much. I decided to kill the cat and eat her instead. That would be the end of my troubles. But when I pounced on her with my teeth bared, I found that instead of shooting towards her, I was sort of floating in mid air. My paws were paddling all over the place, but it made no difference. Even the parrot was impressed by my flying. The cat leapt out of my way, and she too was flying around like a fat balloon. This was all very strange.

After we had both settled back down on the floor, I decided to show my leadership qualities.

“Hey,” I said. “Those humans are probably watching us and think this is all hilarious. Let’s learn to be friends, at least while we are cooped up in here - and when we get out, then we can kill each other.”

Even the cat had to agree that I was talking sense, and the parrot seemed too stupid to express and opinion on the matter. From then on, we lived by some rules, the most important of which was that if anybody ate my dinner, they were dead.

I don’t know how long that awful journey went on. I used to think that Jenny’s grandma, was a long way away, but this took much longer than going to her place by the seaside. Food seemed to appear when we were asleep, and although we made the usual mess that all living things make, the straw on the floor just seemed to eat it up and it disappeared. It was a clever contraption that we were in.

Eventually, we heard the roaring sound and the contraption started to shake again. The cat was mewowing “We’re all going to die,” and I didn’t even bother to tell her to shut her silly snout.

Our journey came to its end with an almighty bump and we were all three of us thrown around the place. This time we didn’t float harmlessly around, and we all ended up with bruises, but nothing too serious. But we soon forgot about all that when a door opened in the side of the contraption, and we were greeted by the sweetest, most gorgeous smell in the the universe. Fresh, salty, sea air. So perhaps we had come to Aunty Jane’s after all, by the round-about route.

The Parrot’s cage flew open and she was out in no time. The cat went sliding down a shoot, and I came after her. Soon I was splashing through the surf of the sea, and the cat was looking at me like I was crazy. The parrot was sitting up on a sand dune. I hadn’t been so pleased to be alive since I was a puppy. All I needed now was a stick to fetch, and my happiness would have been complete.

When I came out of the sea, I shook myself so that the water went flying all over the cat and the parrot - that trick never goes out of fashion, and I woofed with joy.

After a while I barked “Cheer up Mog. Aren’t you glad that we’ve arrived?”

“I’d be happier if I saw a mouse,” said the cat. “What are we going to eat? Unless you know how to fish, we’re going to starve to death”

“Don’t be stupid.” I said. “Some humans will come along soon and take care of us. My owner’s grandma lives some where near by. “

“Your owners grandma? said that cat quite astonished. “She’s only a million miles a way. Haven’t you got it yet? They’ve sent us to another planet.”