The Lovely Princess Beatrice has stayed true to her long lost prince Bertie for many a long day. But there was a time when she was seen walking in the Palace Gardens with another prince! Still worse, the Wicked Queen was determined to hold a Royal Wedding to boost the popularity ratings of the Royal Family. Bertie the Frog’s hopes of being turned back into a prince and marrying Beatrice were almost dashed into a million tiny pieces.

Read by Natasha. Duration 25 minutes.

It all started like this. Bertie was sitting on his lily leaf in the sun thinking that life as a frog wasn’t all that bad, when he saw Princess Beatrice walking in the palace garden with - another man !

Right away, he recognised the scoundrel as the smarmy Prince Boris. He liked to call himself Boris the Brave, and now Bertie heard his smarmy voice saying:

“And did you ever hear about the time I fought a seven-headed sea-monster?”
“Er, no.’ said Beatrice. “But I’m suspect that I’m going to now..”

Boris started to tell a story which Bertie was certain was untrue, because anyone who has really fought a sea monster would know that they have nine heads, not seven – unless somebody had already cut two of then off, which seemed a bit unlikely.

“Oh dear,” said Bertie. “If the lovely Beatrice marries Boris, I won’t have any reason to go on living. I might as well just hop off and die.”

His only comfort came from Colin he Carp who was swimming by.

“I shouldn’t worry,” said Colin. “Beatrice looks bored silly by that Prince Boris the Boaster.”

A couple of weeks went by, and one evening Bertie saw Beatrice walking in the garden with yet another man. This time it was Prince Freddie from the next-door Kingdom. Freddie was terribly brainy at maths, and he had known Beatrice since they were both little. In fact, he used to help Beatrice with her maths homework. Bertie knew this, and he was just a tiny bit jealous that another prince had been her friend for so long.

“Freddie dear” said Beatrice.

“Ah-oh” thought Bertie. “She called him ‘dear’”. Beatrice went on:

“Do you see that frog sitting on a Lilly leaf? It’s very strange, but sometimes when I see his funny little face, I can’t help thinking of my long lost Prince Bertie”.

Freddie chuckled when he heard this: “Indeed my dear, “ he replied. “How right you are. Bertie always was a bit froggy in the face.”

Bertie was outraged when he heard this. “See here!” he called out. “When I was a prince. I didn’t look in the least bit like a frog.”

But Beatrice and Freddie couldn’t understand what he was saying. All they could hear was “croak! Croak!”, and Freddie remarked:

“Now look– you’ve hurt the little frog’s feelings because you said he looked like Prince Bertie!”

Beatrice smiled for a moment, and then said, “Oh Freddie, don’t be so cruel. You know how dear Prince Bertie is to my heart.” And they both ambled back to the palace.

For the next couple of weeks or so, Bertie didn’t see any princes stepping out into the gardens with Beatrice, and he stopped worrying about Freddie and Boris. But up in the Palace, the Wicked Queen was plotting a Royal Wedding for her step-daughter. As usual, she had her own devious reasons. The King had recently put up taxes, and the Royal Family was becoming rather unpopular. The wicked Queen thought that a Royal Romance followed by a fairy tale wedding would be just the trick to boost the royal ratings and make them popular with the people again.

“Now dear,” she said to the lovely princess Beatrice as she was brushing her hair one morning. “It’s high time you found a nice rich young prince and got married.

“But your Majesty,” cried Beatrice “Prince Bertie has disappeared and nobody knows where he is.”

“Prince Bertie!” spluttered the Queen. “You’re not still hankering after that old flame are you? Since the day he vanished, he hasn’t so much as sent you a postcard. Don’t you see that he’s forgotten all about you!”

“Forgotten me?” said Beatrice with tears in her eyes. “Oh, no he can’t have. My dear Bertie would never do that.. He’s on a top secret mission to save the country. He can’t let anyone know a thing about it. That’s what think, and I won’t believe anything different.”

“Poppycock!” cried the Queen. “Why don’t you just marry Prince Freddie. He’s got lots of money.”

“But, but Freddy’s boring.”

“Well what about Prince Boris.? He’s handsome and rich”

“But Boris boasts and tells fibs ! No, I won’t marry anyone but my dear Bertie. Not ever. I’ll wait a hundred years for him if needs be. “ And with that, Beatrice got up and ran out into the garden.

The queen was furious, because she hated Bertie, and she certainly did not have any plans to turn him back into a prince and suffer him as her son-in-law.

“He’ll be telling those unfunny jokes of his over breakfast, oh no no no, we can’t have that. And riding around on that awful skateboard. Ugh! Its so unroyal ! And besides, he doesn’t approve of my wicked spells. Bertie… He’s out of the question… But Beatrice won’t let him out her thoughts. Poor deluded girl.”

The Wicked Queen thought and thought about the problem for six whole days – but still no solution came to mind.

On the seventh day, she was having her breakfast with the King when he exclaimed:

“Oh Gosh. Oh Golly. For a moment I thought that was Bertie back from the dead!”

And he tapped his newspaper. The queen looked over his shoulder and saw a picture of Bertie – only it wasn’t actually Bertie – it was somebody else who looked just like him.

His name was Norman Crompton and until recently he lived in a castle. The newspaper reported that he had just sold his ancient home including the beautiful deer park that surrounded it. The company that had bought Crompton Castle planned to knock it down and build a multi-story car-park in its place.

The picture showed Norman cracking open a bottle of Champaign. You see, the property company had paid him a lot of money for his castle.

“His heart seems to be in the right place” remarked the queen.
“Yes, in his wallet !” Laughed the King.

Later that day, the Queen asked her chief spy to find Norman Crompton’s mobile phone number for her. When he reported back with the number, she sent him a text message;

“Hi Norman. How would you like to marry the lovely Princess Beatrice and inherit the Kingdom? All you have to do is pretend to be Prince Bertie. Yours, The Wicked Queen.”

Norman texted back right away:

“No kidding? Of course I would – just so long as Bertie doesn’t turn up.”
And the queen replied

“Don’t worry. He’s with the fishes.”
By which Norman understood that Bertie had met a watery grave – because how could he have guessed that he had been turned into a frog? That was the Queen’s closely guarded secret.

That evening, she took Beatrice into a quiet corner of the palace and whispered some very important news to her. Only it wasn’t true news, it was a pack of fibs that she had made up. She claimed that Bertie was about to come back from his top secret mission. She said that this had been told to her that morning by her chief spy-master. He was due back in exactly a month’s time, and the day after his return Beatrice would marry him.

Beatrice was so excited when she heard the news that she didn’t know what to do with herself. As soon as the Wicked Queen had left her, she ran out into the garden and down to the pond.

“Oh dear little frog!” she exclaimed to Bertie. “All this long while that Bertie has been away, I’ve poured my heart out to you. And now, do you know what? He’s coming back! Yes it’s true ! The Queen told me herself. And in a month’s time we are to be wed ! I’m so excited I just want to laugh and cry, dance and lie down, shout and keep my mouth shut, all at the same time.
“
And that’s how Bertie felt too. You see, he really believed that the wicked Queen had decided to turn him back into a prince so that he could marry Beatrice After all. You see, sometimes, when you really want something to happen with all your heart, you are ready to believe even the most unlikely fibs that people tell you.

When he told the little tadpoles about Bertie’s news, they swarmed around in circles and shouted

Yippeeeee !

Sadie the swan said, “Oh Bertie ! A true fairy tale ending. What on earth shall I wear ?”

And even Colin the Carp said,

“Congratulations”

Which is highly unusual, as he’s normally he’s ever so grumpy . Then he added”

“I don’t suppose any fish will be on the invitation list.”
The month went past terribly slowly for both Bertie and Beatrice. The day before the wedding was due to take place, Beatrice was looking out of her window when she saw a gold carriage and six white horses pull up outside the palace. And out of the carriage stepped Prince Bertie:

“Oh dear dear Bertie!” she said to herself “How I long to run and kiss your sweet face, even if it is a bit froggy like Freddie said.”

But Beatrice had been forbidden to speak to Bertie until the moment of her wedding. Both the King and Queen said it was a strict tradition and if she broke it, it would mean terrible bad luck for their future.

And Bertie also saw the golden coach arrive. And although he couldn’t see Norman step out – Elsa the Palace Cat did. She knows all the Palace Gossip and never misses a thing. She ran straight down to the pond with the news.
“Guess what Pond Life,” she murred, “The wicked queen has found somebody called Norman who looks just like Prince Bertie. Beatrice is going to marry him tomorrow and she will never know the difference.”

“I thought that something like that would happen,” said Colin. “If the Wicked Queen went to all the trouble of turning Bertie into a frog, why would she want to turn him back in a prince again? I should think that life up in the palace is much less annoying without Princes Bertie around.”

But Bertie wasn’t listening. He did not know what to do, but he knew he had to do something – so he hitched a lift back up to the Palace on Elsa’s back, and she took him all the way up to Beatrice’s door. She meowed and the Lovely Princess let her in.

“Oh Elsa, “ she said. “You’ve brought me my lucky frog. He probably wants some water. I’ll run a cold bath for him”

But Bertie didn’t fancy a cold bath. Instead, he hopped onto her dressing table and croacked his heart out. Beatrice was quite puzzled. He had seemed to glad when she had first spoken of the wedding, and now that her happiness was almost fulfilled, her frog was upset about something. If only she could understand what all his croaking was about?

That night, she could hardly sleep with excitement. In the morning the maids came in and helped her get into her wedding dress and look at her most radiant and lovely for the wedding. One of them took a broom and tried to shoe Bertie out of the bathroom, but Beatrice just managed to stop her in time before she really hurt the poor little frog. In fact, when she went down to her carriage, she ordered the maid to bring him to the wedding.

“Eee – Yuck ! “ she said as she picked him up.

Bertie had never felt so low in all his life. He felt even sadder than on the day he had been turned into a frog.

Here he was travelling in a golden carriage to his own wedding – only it wasn’t going to be HIS wedding – he was only going to watch his dear princess marry somebody called Norman who happened to look rather like him – and all because of the Wicked Queen !

As Beatrice entered the Church, the orchestra played “Here Comes the Bride”. Her Great-Uncle Prince Evan took her arm and led her down the isle to where Norman and the arch Bishop were already waiting for her. As she stood side by side with Norman in front of the alter she said ever so softly into his ear:

“Darling Bertie: It’s so wonderful that you are back. All the time you’ve been away, I’ve been wondering one thing:”

“And what was that my dear” whispered Norman, trying as best as possible to sound like Bertie. And princess Beatrice whispered

“Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?”

“I don’t know. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?”

“Don’t you know? Because he had no body to go with. … alright then, which ghost has the best hearing?”

“I don’t know my dear. Which ghost does has the best hearing?”
“Why, it’s the eeriest of course!”

Just then, the Achbishop cleared his throat to get their attention. And he began the ceremenony. He asked Norman

“Do you, Bertie, take Betrice to be your lawful wedded wife.”

“And do you, Beatrice, take Bertie to love, honour and Obey”

And Beatrice replied.

“No Way!”

Why ever not? Asked the Bishop

“Because he’s not my Bertie. He’s an imposter! Guards Seize him!”

The wicked Queen jumped up and screamed”

“Guards. Do no such thing. My step-daughter’s gone out of her sweet tiny mind!
But the King said,

“No, No No. Guards Do Seize Him. ! She’s right you know – that isn’t Bertie. Whoever he is, he’s an imposter!”

And then speaking to the Queen he said,

“You See my dear: I had an inkling last night over dinner that there was something not quite right with that young man. I couldn’t put my finger on it – but now Beatrice has said he’s not Bertie – I see that she’s spot on. Do you recall him over dinner? I asked him what he had been up to while he was away, and he replied “Father, I wish I could tell you but it’s a secret.”

Well that’ was pretty strange because if there was one thing Bertie could never keep, it was a secret. And then later on, he only ate one helping of Chocolate Pudding. That was most unlike himself. I thought he must be off colour – nerves about the big day – but no, now I see that it’s because he’s not Bertie.”

And the wicked Queen was afraid that her secret would be found out. So she let the guards drag poor Norman off the palace dungeons. Later on, he escaped – but only after she turned him into a mouse.

When the guards had hauled the imposter out of the cathedral, there was a huge uproar and loads of confusion among the people. The King made a long speech to calm everyone down – in fact lots of them became very bored and either left or nodded off. While he was doing this, Beatrice spoke to her luck frog:
“Dearest little frog,” she said.

“I knew you were trying to tell me something – only I could not quite understand what it was. It was only when I stood side by side with the supposed “Prince Bertie” that I felt troubled. I sort of felt it wasn’t him. And so to make sure, I asked him two of Bertie’s favourite riddles. He didn’t know the answers – even though Bertie had told them to me thousands of times. Then I knew for sure that he was an imposter.

But it was you, dear frog, who first put me on my guard. I’m so grateful I could kiss you:

And with those works, she began to raise Bertie , sitting on the palm of her hand, to her lips.

Bertie closed his eyes and thought:

“Yes! The Lovely Princess Beatrice is about to kiss me at long last, and I will be turned back into a prince.”

But unfortunately, the Wicked Queen saw what was about to happen and

Kerpow !

She pointed her wand at Bertie and shouted

“Eat Slime” at the very second that Beatrice’s lips touched Bertie’s head.
And that was enough to prevent the kiss working, and poor Bertie didn’t turn back into a Prince – he remained a frog and had to hop off back to his pond.

But that evening he wasn’t too sad – because at least he had prevented a lovely princess marrying the wrong person. And there was still chance that one day he would turn back into the True Bertie and Marry his Princess.

When somebody boasts in a story, you can be sure that they are heading for a come-down. The hare in this famous fable by Aesop does a lot of boasting - and so it’s not unreasonable to expect that he’s about to learn a lesson the hard way.

But the hare is just a bit fed up with the bad reputation that Aesop has created for him. And so the Storynory version is told by the hare himself - just to set the record straight.

Hare’s voice by Natasha. Duration 13.16.

Hello. My name is Speedy, and for good reason. I’ve got long, long legs and I can really go ! You can catch me if you can – but I don’t think you will.

In a race, I come first. Always. I never, never lose. Well alright, there was that one time that one time that I took the silver medal. But it only ever happened once. It’s so unfair that people keep going on about it. I blame that Aesop. He’s the one who wrote it all down.

It happened in March, and that’s the time of year that we hares go a bit crazy you know. We’re so busy springing in the Spring that sometimes our thoughts just can’t quite keep up with our legs. Look, I’ll tell you what happened – just so that you understand that it wasn’t really my fault. It could have happened to anyone.

Do you know that old tortoise who lives in the next field? He’s so slow, that the first time I saw him I thought he was a rock. In fact, I’ve seen rocks than move faster than he can. His head looks like, well, a cabbage. And his feat look like Brussels sprouts. Quite frankly, he’s a ridiculous creature.

One day I was leaping around the fields and he was just watching me, and nodding that cabbage-like head of his. I bounced up to him and said, “Come on you lazy old thing – is that all the exercise you take – just nodding all day long. I’m surprised you don’t nod off to sleep.

The tortoise didn’t answer. His mouth was full of grass and he was chewing – very slowly.

Just then the fox popped out of the hedge-row. He scratched his flea bites and said:

“Don’t you know that the tortoise hibernates?”

“Hiber-what’s?” I asked.

“Hibernates,” said the fox again. It means that he goes to sleep for the whole winter.”

“HA! Sleeps – For the whole winter!” I said. “That’s incredible. He must be the laziest creature alive. In fact, it’s hardly fair to say he is alive. If he was dead it would be hard to tell the difference.”

It was all to easy to mock the tortoise. He couldn’t be bothered even to stick up for himself. He just kept on munching, so slowly.

But the fox, who’s a big know-it-all, replied for him:

“Most likely he will be around after we are both long gone. Tortoises can live for over 100 years.”

“A 100 years! “ I exclaimed. “Just nodding, chewing, and occasionally plodding. I’d get bored out of my mind. I have to run and jump and win races. If you’ve got speed, then you can really know that you’re alive!”

Then that wily old fox said: “I’ll lay a bet that the tortoise can beat you in a race. Not a quick dash of course. He’s hardly a sprinter. But a proper race over a good distance. Say – up to the top of that hill and back. I don’t believe you’ll beat him in a race like that.”

“Pah!” I said. “I’ll beat that old tortoise over any distance, any day, any time.”

And that’s how I got myself into that infamous race with the tortoise. The fox arranged it all for us the next day at noon. The sun was high in the sky, and the heat was scorching. It was more like summer than spring.

All the local creatures came to see the fun. The crows cawed and the cows munched like they normally do. But you could tell that something interesting was going to happen because they were swishing their tales, and not just to keep the flies off. It was the biggest thing to happen around these parts for ages.

Of course almost everyone was backing me to win. You only had to look at me, lean,fit, with a terrific bounce in my step. And then look at HIM, old, cabbage head, with a great shell on his back. I was the clear favourite. Only the fox was backing the tortoise. He was taking bets off his cronies, the badger and the rat. If I won, he would do them a month of services and favours. And if the tortoise won, they would have to work for him for a whole month. The badger and the rat thought the fox must have gone soft in the head to make such a silly bet.

At last the fox called out: “Ready, Steady Go !” I hung around for a moment to see the tortoise lumber off the starting line, but he was taking so long about it that I got bored and shot off towards the hill. I was flying across the field, but I must say, the hill was a long way. Even I couldn’t get there in a moment. At the end of the field I looked over my shoulder and saw that the tortoise had hardly got started. I’d say his top speed was about one mile per week. I had no doubt at all that victory was mine.

I crossed another three fields, and at last I got to the hill and I started to make my way up. It was tougher going now, and my legs were starting to feel less springy than usual. I took another look back and saw that tortoise was only half way across the first field. I decided to stop for a breather and a bit of a chuckle.

How did the fox ever think that old cabbage-head could beat me? Doesn’t he know that I’m speedy by name, speedy by nature? And I thought he was smart.

In fact, just to show him how confident I was of winning, I sat down. “Give the old lumber-along a sporting chance,” I said to myself. “And when he gets near, I’ll dash off again. That will make the race more entertaining.”

And so I stretched out and chewed on a long piece of juicy grass. I knew one of the beady-eyed crows would see me and report back to the crowd how I was so far ahead that I could afford to take things easy. In fact, I thought it wouldn’t do any harm just to close my eyes for a moment or two. My eye-lids certainly were feeling a bit heavy after running up hill under a hot sun. In fact, I thought that 40 winks would refresh me, and I would set off all the faster when I got going again.

And oh, how pleasant it was to lie down on such a glorious day. The grasshoppers were singing and the breeze was rustling ever so gently in the trees. Soon I was dreaming of victory. They would be talking about this on the farm for weeks. But dear, dear, dear me. I must have well and truly dozed off, because when I woke up, I shivered. The sun was going down, and the air was a bit cooler. For a moment, I couldn’t remember where I was, and then I recalled the race. I stood up and scanned the hill below for sight of the tortoise. Perhaps he had just done the logical thing and given up and gone back home. So I started to jog up to the top of the hill, and then run gently back down again. Still no sign of my rival.

It was almost dark when I got back to the farm gate and the finishing line. The cows had gone off to be milked, and only the fox, the badger, and the rat were waiting for me.

“Hello guys,” I said. “What’s my prize?”

“What’s your prize?” said the badger. “You’re prize is that we are working for the fox for a month.”

“GRRRR ! ” said the rat, really quite angry. “You’ve well and truly let us down. You might be Speedy by name, but your dead lazy by nature. Beaten by a 100 year old slow-coach. It’s disgusting, truly disgusting.”

Only the old fox had a sly grin on his face.

“Thank you hare,” he said. “You’ve proved me right, as I usually am. The tortoise plodded in home just over an hour ago. It only goes to show that slow and steady always wins the race.”

And so now you know all about the one and only time that I came less than first in a race. Of course you shouldn’t go supposing that the tortoise is faster than me. It was just a one-off kind of disaster. I mean, over-sleeping like that, it could have happened to anyone. I’m still the fastest creature on the farm – and don’t le any one tell you different.

Well I must dash. No time to hang around chatting like this. Catch you later !

And that was the story of the hare and the tortoise, as told by the Hare.

The Chinese Year of the Rat begins on February 7th 2008, (the last rat year was 12 years ago, in 1996). Bertie is celebrating the new year with a special story.

Rats are not exactly the most lovable creatures on earth, and when one was found in the Palace Kitchens recently, there were screams all round. The rat escaped to the pond where Prince Bertie the Frog lives, and Sadie the Swan demanded that he be expelled forthwith. But rats have rights too you know !

If you are interested in the Chinese Years named after animals, you can try this story. which explains how they got their names. We also have a video about the Aesop Fable - the Rat and the Elephant.

Read by Natasha. Duration 7.30.

The other day Bertie asked me to pop up to the Palace Kitchens to see if I could find him a nice piece of cheese. As you probably know, frogs don’t normally eat cheese, but Bertie is no ordinary frog - after all, he used to be a prince.

“Oh Natasha,” he said, “Green slime for dinner is all very well, but I do so miss the taste of a nice piece of creamy cheddar Cheese with just a little tang to it. Be a dear, and see if you can find me some up at the palace.”

But before I reached the door of the kitchen kitchen, I heard a scream from inside. At first I thought that perhaps someone had seen a ghost, because there are a few of those hanging around the palace, but then I heard the cook call out “

“Rat ! Rat RAAAAAAAT!”

The door was open a crack, and a moment later a grey creature with a pink nose squeezed through the opening and scuttled down the corridor. It almost ran over my toes .

I couldn’t help myself. I said

“EEEEEEEEK” !

Because although some of my best friends are animals, I can’t say that all that fond of rats. In fact they are probably my least favorite creatures of all, apart from cockroaches, and spitting cobras, oh yes, and I”m not so keen on jelly fish either.

[Audible Insert]

There was such a commotion inside the kitchen that it didn’t seem the right moment to wander in asking for a piece of cheddar, and so I went back down the garden to tell Bertie and the Pondlife what I had just seen - a rat inside the Royal Palace. Whatever next?

When I arrived at the pond, I found that the birds, fish, and amphibians who live their were holding a meeting. Sadie the black Swan was speaking and when she speaks, everyone listens, because she has what is called a very commanding presence.

“This is not a village pond,” she said. “It’s a Royal Pond. And there is no place here for a common, vulgar creature who belongs in the sewer.” .

A Canada Goose said “honk honk! “ And all the ducklings and signets - those are baby swans - cheeped and twittered in agreement. Only Colin the Carp said,

“Humph. She thinks she’s our Queen, she does.”

It was only then that I noticed that that not far away, the rat was hiding in the reeds. His little pink nose was twitching, and I could see that he was frightened. To my surprise, I actually felt quite sorry for him.

“I say t we should expel the rat forthwith!” said Sadie. And the water foul honked, quacked and twittered even louder than before.

I thought the rat was done fore, but then Bertie began to speak.

“Quiet. Quiet!!” he called out. And gradually the noise died down.

“Now Sadie is quite right,” he said, “When she says that this is a special pond. It is indeed a Royal Waterway, and nobody is a greater patriot for a pond than myself. But I think I know a thing or two about being Royal. After all, I used to be a prince. And let me tell you something.

First of all, a true Prince never turns anyone away because of the way they were born. It doesn’t matter if you are a peacock or a rat all creatures are equal. That’s the prince’s code. Except for dragons of course. We can’t have them around the place, because it’s our duty to fight them. But that’s a different matter.

Now let me tell you a secret. I might be a frog, but I was born in the Chinese Year of the Rat. And if a prince can be a rat - as well as a frog - then I say that rats have just as much right to live in a royal place as anyone.

As it happens, creatures who are born in the Year of the Rat are rather nice. They are smart and ambitious and easy to like.
And now here’s another thing. It just so happens that this year is the Year of the Rat . And do you know what that means?.. It means that Rats are Lucky this year ! And what’s more, to turn a rat away from our pond in the Year of the Rat would bring very bad luck indeed. So I say, Let’s hold a New Year’s Party for the Chinese Year of the Rat. And Let’s invite our New Friend to be our Guest of Honour!

And everyone honked and squawked and twittered even loader than before. The little tadpoles did somersaults in the water and even Colin the Carp was so moved that there was a little tear in his eye.

Sadie said, “Oh Bertie. Your so dignified. Now I see that it is indeed truly gracious to be kind to all creatures, even if they are yucky.!”

And at the party, every one ate loads and loads of Green slime, except for the Rat and Bertie, who stuffed themselves with a huge piece of Cheddar Cheese which I brought down from the palace specially for them.

And that’s the Story of how the one of the most ugly and hated creatures on earth was granted sanctuary on the pond. Because it’s a Royal Pond that Lives by The Prince’s Code - by the Royal Dicat of Bertie.

Perhaps you know that Colin the Carp is an extremely grumpy fish. He is so grumpy that he doesn’t even like Christmas. In fact, he says it’s total misery.

And so when Tim the Tadpole asks Colin what he would like for Christmas he says, “I want to be alone.” It just so happened that the Christmas fairy overheard Colin make his wish, and when Santa came down to the pond, he scooped up Colin and took him over to another pond where he could be all alone.

At first Colin is happy with his present, but then he starts to have second thoughts….

Read by Natasha. Duration 18.03

It was getting round to that time of year, and all the little tadpoles who live in the pond were very, very, very excited. “Yippeee ! they were saying “We’re going to have lots and lots and lots of green slime for lunch - and presents, and games, and wrapping paper.”

“Oh hark the little tadpoles,’ said Colin from beneath a stone. “No they’re going to have wrapping paper in a pond ! That’s really intelligent. It’s not as if paper is going to get at all soggy in the water.”

Prince Bertie the Frog was sitting on a stone watching all the tadpoles swimming in somersaults and circles, and he was starting to feel quite christmassy. At this time of year, he always remembers the lovely princess Beatrice, how, when he was still a prince, they used to walk hand in hand over the frosty lawns and round the palace ponds , and she would ask him,

“Bertie darling, dearest, do you think that fish get cold in winter? I”m quite sure that I saw that big ugly carp shiver. Poor thing. No wonder his face looks so grumpy. Can’t we get the water heated for the pondlife?”

And Bertie would say,

“My precious petal. You are truly the sweetest princess in the whole wide world. But don’t worry yourself on account of the frogs and fishes. They aren’t like humans. They don’t mind the cold at all.”

But now that poor Prince Bertie has been turned into a frog, he knows differently. “Brrr.” he said. “If only I could have a nice hot bath.’

Colin overheard Bertie saying this and said: “Ah ! At long last a voice of reason ! Bertie, you and I are the only sensible creatures in this pond. Doesn’t all this merry christmas stuff drive you crazy? It’s the coldest, darkest, most boring time of the year, and everyone keeps telling you be happy. ! UUUUGH ! “

“Well actually, I’m afraid I can’t agree with you there,” said Bertie. “Christmas is cold in this part of the world, but it is merry! “

“No it’s not,’ said Colin. “It’s a pain.’

“Yes it is Merry.” said Bertie. “It’s a time of a good will to all creatures on earth.”

“Rubbish! “ said Colin.

Just then, Tim, who is a tiny Tadpole, swam up to Colin’s left nostril and said

“Oh Mr. Carp. What do want for Christmas?”

“That’s easy.” said Colin glumly. “I want to be alone.”

Now, as Bertie always says, you should never wish for something unless you truly want it in your heart - for you never know, your wish might come true, and they you will be sorry. And it so happened that the Christmas fairy was swimming past when Colin asked to be alone, and she heard this wish, and reported it back to Santa. And on Christmas night, when santa came down to the pond with a sack full of fresh green slime for all the pondlife, he scooped up the sleeping Colin into a bucket of water, and took him over to another pond at the other end of the garden. A pond where nobody lived except a gold statue of a cherub. And the cherub didn’t really live at all. He just spouted water out of his mouth.

“Yo ho-ho” said Santa. “There you are carp. Santa always delivers. This Christmas you shall be all alone !”

And in the morning, Colin opened his sleepy eyes and said to himself. “Oh no. It’s the worst day of the year. Those tadpoles will soon be singing christmas carols. I think I’ll just hide under a stone until it’s all over.”

But after a while, he couldn’t help noticing that the pond was strangely quiet. He swam around a bit, and found that it was wonderfully free of stilly tadpoles, quacking ducks, stuck-up swans, and deluded frogs who think that they are princes.

“This is fabulous! “ said Colin. “Just listen to that peace and quiet. Santa must have heard my wish and given me my own pond for christmas ! That’s because I’ve been such a good carp all year round. Thank you Santa ! I’m truly grateful. The only problem is….it’s just perfect. What am going to grump about ? Oh never mind that. I’m…. I’m…. I”m happy!”

And he even did a little dance in the water, because nobody was looking, and he really was happy to be alone for once.

In the Royal Palace, all the children who live there were very excited about all the presents waiting to be opened under the Christmas tree. But the wicked queen was in a furious mood, because she simply hates christmas, even more than Colin does.

She went into the kitchen where the cook and her helpers were all working hard making lunch. And the Queen screeched.

“Not Turkey ! I hate Turkey ! It’s the stupidest bird that was ever eaten!”

“Oh madam, “ said the cook. “I ordered the Turkey weeks ago. There’s nothing else for lunch.”

“Well let everyone else stuff themselves silly with Turkey and roast potatoes. A queen has to mind her figure. I want something healthy. I want, I want….. er fish. In fact, I want poached carp with a little sprig of parsley.”

And with those words, the Wicked Queen swept out of the kitchen and went up stares to shout at the children.

Princess Beatrice loved Christmas day more than any other day in the whole year. She was just coming back from Church when she decided to take a little walk around the ponds and remember her long lost Prince Bertie. Her happiness was tinged with a sadness as she thought about her handsome prince whom she hadn’t seen for quite a while, but she was sure that he would return one day from a brave quest and they would be married and live happily ever after.

At the edge of the garden, she stopped at the pond where Colin was enjoying his solitude. Even though he was happy, his face still looked grumpy. It was just made that way.

“Poor fish.,” said Beatrice. “He’s all on his own on Christmas Day. I”m sure he’s the same one I’ve seen many times before on the other side of the garden, in that slimy pond where they funny looking frog lives. I know. I’ll go and get a net and a bucket, and I’ll take him back to the other pond so he can have some company. That will be a lovely christmas present for him.”

Colin heard this and he said, “Oh no. Your Royal Highness. That’s not what I want at all….” But Beatrice couldn’t understand what Colin was saying, because he’s just a fish, and besides, he was speaking under water.

Instead, she turned around and hurried back to the palace to look for a bucket and a net.

At the same time, the cook was wondering where she was going to find a carp to poach for the Wicked Queen’s lunch. As it was christmas day, all the shops were shut - even the special shops that work by Royal Appointment. Then she remembered that she had seen a fat carp swimming around one of the ponds in the garden, and she went out to look for him.

In his pond, Colin was feeling his usual grumpy self again. “Oh well,” he said to himself. “Soon that air-headed princess will be fishing me out of here and taking me back Bertie’s pond. That’s what I hate about christmas. If people laid off doing good deeds and minded their own business, we would all be a lot happier.”

Then he heard a voice - but it wasn’t princess Beatrice’s - it was the cook, and she was saying”

“There he is. He’s an ugly brute, but he’ll look a lot better when he’s on a plate with a spring of parsley in his mouth. I’ll tell the kitchen boy to come down here with a net and fish him out.”

“What’s this? Said Colin. “On a plate with a spring of parsley in my mouth? Oh No ! Christmas truly is the worst day of the year - and it looks like it’s going to be my last day ever ! “

He started to swim around in a panic, looking for somewhere to hide, but the pond was not like the one where Bertie lived. There was no slime, no muddy bottom, not big rocks. It was just full of pure, clean water. In fact, it was the worst place in the entire world for a fish to hide in.

Soon colin felt himself being lifted up through the air. He was wriggling and fighting and gasping for breath, but he just got his fins tangled in the net. And then Plop ! he was dropped, not even into a bucket, but a plastic shopping bag full of water.

“The indignity of it,” said Colin. “Carried to my own funeral in a shopping bag. Merry Christmas !”

It was very dark inside the bag, and he couldn’t see where he was going. Then the motion stopped. They had arrived. He got ready to whack the cook around the face with his tale.

“At least they will say that Colin The Carp went down fighting,” he said himself.

The bag turned upside down, and all the water and Colin with it went slopping out

“That’s it !” Thought Colin. “Straight into the cooking pot !”

Splash !

And all his scales tingled with lovely cold water.

“Ooh Look,” said a squeaky little voice. “There’s Colin. He’s come out of hiding.”

And all the little tadpoles were swimming around him singing,

“We wish you a merry christmas We Wish you a merry Christmas.

And Princess Beatrice said

“Merry Christmas Pond Life”

The cook didn’t make poached carp for the Wicked Queen’s lunch, because when she went back to the pond, colin had mysteriously disappeared. But it didn’t matter, because the Queen decided to skip christmas all together, and she went up to her room to read up on wicked spells.

And as for Colin, for the first time in his long, grumpy life, he has a very, very, very, merry Christmas because he was so glad to be alive and with his friends.

In these three short stories, Sadie the Swan takes The True Princess Test, the Pond Life are haunted by a Ghost Swan, and Bertie sees off Barker the Dog.

We first published the stories, right at the beginning of Storynory in November 2005. They formed introductions to our Christmas Carol Pantomime in three parts. This Christmas we decided to edit the Bertie stories out of audio, so that our listeners can get straight to Scrooge. Many of our new listeners won’t have heard them, and many of our long-standing faithful listeners won’t have heard them for a while - so we are republishing them here. We’ve added a little jazzy music for Pond Life atmosphere.

Bertie fans will notice that Colin the Carp has a slightly different voice. This is because he is played by Rob who took the part of Scrooge in the pantomime.

All other voices by Natasha. Duration 9.48 minutes.

(We are afraid that the texts have been lost to posterity in the mists of time)

You will only hear this on Storynory because it’s Top Secret. Natasha exclusively reveals that before Bertie was turned into a frog, he worked as a Secret Agent. He was sent by his father the King on a mission to a far away kingdom called Wales. His task was to stop the Wicked Stepmother firing a rocket filled with sewage and other smelly stuff at the King’s annual summer garden party. He was aided by the Lovely Princess Beatrice, but we will only add that it’s a jolly exciting story and if you want to find out what happened you’ll have to listen to it.

Read by Natasha. Duration 20.53.

A few summers ago, when Bertie was still a human prince and lived in the palace, he was just a little bit bored because the only thing his father the king would talk about was his annual garden party. The theme that year was to be “Sweet Smells” and all the sweetest smelling people in the Kingdom were to be invited. Most of them were girls, as it turned out. There were to be sweet smelling flowers with sweet smelling blossom, and the most fragrant honey and different types of aromatic teas - and the gardeners were busy clearing all the green slime out of the pond and pouring perfume and aftershave into it to make it smell nicer. Colin the Carp wasn’t at all pleased - but Bertie didn’t know him then - and Tim the Tadpole wasn’t even born.

In those days, Bertie had yet to set eyes upon the Lovely Princess Beatrice. She and her wicked stepmother still lived in a far away place called Wales. I think I told you about that once before.

Well if the truth be told, there was a bit of a stinky whiff wafting around the The Castle where Beatrice lived with her stepmother. It was suffering from blocked drains, you see, and that summer, they were very blocked indeed.

The newspapers reported that the Lovely Princess Beatrice was going around with a clothes peg on her nose. At first, when Bertie’s father read about this, he almost laughed his head off:

“I was planning to invite the Lovely Princess Beatrice to my garden party,’ he said. “But I don’t think I had better risk it, because she probably pongs to high heaven.’

When The Wicked Queen heard about this insult, she was furious, ‘So that stupid old King thinks my daughter smells does he? Well before the Summer’s out we’ll see who’s the biggest stinker of them all.’

So the wicked queen commanded all the top scientists, wizards, and druids in Wales to concoct the stinkiest, foulest, most pungent pong - ever created, and then, to load the pong into a rocket. And when this was done, she gave a note to her ambassador to deliver to Bertie’s father. It read:

“Invite or stink !’

When he received this note, Bertie’s farther flew into a frightful rage: He stood up from his thrown and railed at the Ambassador “Kindly inform that malign, maledictive, malodorous, Queen of yours, that we don’t give into blackmail here, or even to Stink Mail. She and her smelly daughter aren’t invited to my party, so there!’

But at night he couldn’t sleep for worrying about the stink bomb landing on his summer garden party and all his fragrant guests being covered in foul-smelling sewage, or whatever the Wicked Queen meant to drop on them.

And that’s why Prince Bertie, who was hanging around the palace looking just a bit bored, was summoned. The king sent him to Wales on a Top Secret Mission to Stop the Stink. Bertie had to choose a disguise, and he decided upon a traveling Jester.

And so Bertie arrived at the Wicked Queen’s castle, and presented himself as an entertainer, who wondered the highways and byways on his skateboard, telling funny stories and performing clever tricks.

That evening after dinner, he was invited before the Royal Family. Bertie did a little dance and shook his floppy hat with a bell on the end. Then he made a bow, and waited for a ripple of warm, welcoming applause. The king yawned. Bertie saw this, and his mind went blank - even more so than usual - and he couldn’t remember a single joke, even though he was usually brimming with them. After about half a minute’s silence, the Wicked Queen said,

“He’s useless. Dump him in the dungeon.. “But… but…” protested Bertie, I’m just having a bad day. Usually I’m the funniest jester alive.” But the guards were already sweeping him towards the door.

“Hey, have you heard this one?” called out Bertie. “What sort of dog doesn’t smell? One without a nose. Ha Ha! And can you say Iced Ink very fast several time over?

The Lovely Princess Beatrice said, “Oh Please don’t take him away. He’s rather sweet, even if his jokes aren’t really that funny”.

Meanwhile The king was muttering to himself, “Iced ink Iced ink, I stink”

“Ha Ha Ha, “You said you stink!” called back Bertie.

“Take him away” said the Queen in a very bored voice. “I believe cell number five is free. The last unfunny idiot who was in that one departed yesterday -…. may his soul rest in peace. Ha !.”

The guards took Bertie to the prison in the cellars of the castle, opened up a hatch in the floor, and pushed him in. Down down down, he fell. “Oh no, this place is very dark and there’s a funny smell. I wonder how far I’m going to fall?” thought Bertie. And then Boing! He landed on an old bed, and the legs immediately collapsed. But at least he wasn’t too hurt. All he could see was a little shaft of moonlight from a window near the top of the cell. Around midnight, a guard opened the hatch and called out “dinner”. He dropped down a cold, half eaten burger and a carton of orange drink. “Enjoy your Big Value Meal Deal.” called out the guard. “Sorry I ate half your burger and all of your apple pie.”

“Oh dear” said Bertie. I should have told them the joke about the man who went to the doctor and said he felt like a parrot….. That one always makes everybody laugh. But now I’m going stay in this dungeon till I rot and die. Oh I wish I had never become a secret agent. It’s not nearly as fun as it sounds.’

Towards morning, when it was just getting light again outside, he felt something tickling his nose.

“Is that a mouse?” he thought?”

And then he heard a sweet little voice whispering “Jester, oh Jester, Please wake up”.

“A mouse that talks?” thought Bertie. But then he realised that the voice was coming from up above. He rubbed his eyes, and saw that it wasn’t a mouse that was tickling his nose, but a silk rope dangling from the hatch door.

“Quick. Climb up” whispered the voice, which he now recognized as belonging to the Lovely Princess Beatrice. Quick as he could, Bertie shinned up the silk rope and out through the hatch. Beatrice quickly untied the other end one of the window bars, and they ran out before the guard came back from the Changing Room.

Beatrice led Bertie out of the castle and onto the dewy grass of the King’s daffodil garden.

Bertie looked gratefully at The Lovely Princess Beatrice and said, “Now I know that the you are the bravest and cleverest princess in the entire world, as well as the loveliest”.

“Well don’t tell anyone or I’ll be in super big trouble,” said Beatrice. And Bertie promised not to tell a soul. She led him down the path to a secret gate in the wall, but as Bertie was about to go through it, he remembered that he had come to Wales on A Mission. He wondered if he could let Beatrice into his secret.

She gave him a quick peck on the cheek and said, “Now jester, you’d better be off before we both get caught.”

“I don’t mean to shock you,” said Bertie, “But I’m not a jester - not really.”

“Really? I’d never have guessed” said Beatrice sarcastically - “Your jokes were so side-splittingly hilarious.”

Bertie was about to tell her the truth: that in fact he was a secret agent, and that he had come to stop her wicked step-mother firing a rocket full of foul-smelling sewage onto his father’s summer garden party. But at that moment they heard a terrible voice screech out:

“There they are ! Seize them!” And they were surrounded by snarling dogs. The Wicked Queen, still in her dressing gown, said, “Well well well. Romeo and Juliet.”

And she ordered her guards to grab hold of both Princess Beatrice and Prince Bertie.

“Oh no!” Thought Bertie. “I’ll never get away now.”

Two whole days went past. Bertie sat in darkness at the bottom of the dungeon. He knew that it was the date of his father’s garden party, that he had failed miserably in his mission, that all the sweetest smelling people in his home kingdom would be covered in foul smelling sewage, and that he would finish his days, forgotten by all - even the Lovely Beatrice, in that terrible dark prison cell. He felt, well, quite a bit down about that.

But when the time came, the Wicked Queen could not resist sending for Bertie so that he could witness her rocket take off on its way to way to deliver its terrible stink to its target. The soldiers led Bertie into the garden. His wrists were handcuffed behind his back. Every exit was guarded.

The rocket stood on the launch pad along side the tallest tower of the castle, ready for lift off. The Lovely Beatrice was sitting next to the King, on a golden thrown that had been set up in the orchard. She was stroking her pet bunny rabbit and sobbing into her handkerchief. The king was reading the gardening column in his newspaper. But the Wicked Queen was wearing a yellow safety helmet and standing on top of a temporary platform. The guards brought the prisoner up to stand beside her.

“My dear Jester, Or should I call you Prince Bertie?” snarled the Queen. “How lovely to see you. I thought you might like to laugh along with me at this little joke I’m about to play on your father.”

“Ha Ha” said Bertie. But he didn’t mean it. At the same time he was wriggling with his hands behind his back to see if he could slip on out of the handcuffs. Soon after the Queen began to count down backwards.

“10, 9, 8. ….” Her terrible voice echoed around the walls of the castle. Even the King looked up from his newspaper. Bertie kept on wriggling his hands. He hadn’t eaten for two whole days, and he felt like he was all skin and bones. Surely he was thin enough to escape?”

“7,6, 5, 4…. ” Bertie’s eye was on a red button on the Queen’s control Panel. It said “Abort” If only he could press that button at the right moment, the rocket would stop its mission.

“3, 2, 1 Blast-off !:”

Screeched the Queen. And slowly the rocket started to rise from the launch pad, pushed upwards by a great ball of flames. Then everyone in the palace applauded, except for Bertie whose hands were cuffed, and Beatrice who was still stroking her bunny rabbit. The Queen started to shout Stink! Stink! Stink! and all the people joined in shouting Stink! Stink! Stink! And Bertie kept on wriggling his hands. Everyone’s eyes, including those of the Queen and all the guards were glued to the sight of the rocket hovering just above the castle, before setting on its way to deliver its terrible smells to Bertie’s Kingdom. Suddenly Bertie felt his hand slip out of the cuff. His now free hand shot out and hit the red “abort” button. It started to flash and beep and the queen shrieked “Who did that?” She manically pressed the button marked “Start” But it was too late. The rocket stopped in mid air and came crashing down onto the roof of the castle, from where it rolled into the garden below, landing right the middle of the King’s prize daffodils. There was an almighty explosion and the air was filled with sewage flying in all directions. Everyone was covered in it. Bertie started to run. The guards were far to busy holding their noses and saying “pooh what a pong” to notice him jumping into the King’s Rolls Royce and speeding off down the drive.

Bertie drove and drove, taking a secret road through the mountains, until he reached home. He was just in time for last part of the his father’s garden party, which had been a sweet-smelling success, untroubled by stink bombs. As he walked through the crowds the guests held their noses.

“Is that Prince Bertie?” they whispered to one another. “He doesn’t half pong.” “Bertie” shouted his father when he smelt him. “Go and take a bath, immediately.”

“But But, I saved you from the stink bomb” said Bertie.

“Right this minute” shouted his father. And so Agent Bertie had no choice but to go and take a bath. “The problem with being a secret agent” he thought, as he soaked among the soap bubbles,” “Is that your mission is so secret that nobody knows how jolly brave you were”.

But The Lovely Princess Beatrice knew how brave he was. And although she and her bunny rabbit were covered in bad smelling stuff, she didn’t mind that much, because at last she had met a prince who had got the better of her wicked Step mother.

And that’s the Story of Agent Bertie.

The video file (m4v)will play on a Video iPod.Download the video file of How Old Are You? (bigger picture, best quality). All the voices by Natasha. Duration 2.30.

Sometimes it seems that people the whole wide world over are divided into two sorts: fans of Prince Bertie the Frog, and fans of Colin the Grumpy Carp.

Are you a Colin sort of person?

Or a Bertie sort of Person?

Or does it depend on what sort of day you are having?

For those who have been leaving messages demanding that Colin features in another of his own stories, thank you for your patience…. here it is. The true story of how Colin became king for a day - and didn’t rule as people expected… not at first anyhow.

Lovers of fishy stories will also enjoy How Colin Became Grumpy and The Golden Fish.

Read by Natasha. Duration 20 minutes.

It all began a week or so ago, when the Wicked Queen who turned Bertie into a frog was taking a walk by the pond in the palace gardens. She stopped by to have a long chat with Colin - they get on rather well you know. Colin asked how her Royal Wickedness was doing, and she started on every such a long grumble. She moaned about the little children who are always leaving their toys lying around the thrown room, and Barker the stupid Palace Dog who runs up and slobbers over her hand, even though she doesn’t like animals, and above all she complained about the King.

“He just isn’t Royal Enough,” she said. “He’s so disgustingly nice. He’s always showing Mercy, when what’s needed is a good bit of old fashioned punishment.”

“Oh yes your Gracious Wicked Majesty,” agreed Colin, “You are so right. There’s not enough flogging these days.”

“Quite. Quite. That’s just how I feel,” said the Queen. “Only the other day the cook brought me a plate of Spaghetti Bolognaise, and when I tried to eat it, the spaghetti was all in knots and the tomato sauce squirted over my new dress. I screamed “Off with her Head Right this Minute! ” and the King said, “No, no my dear. Show a little mercy. Mercy! how I hate that word!’

‘Exactly. What use is Mercy to anybody. If I were king I would make sure things were done properly.” (Colin)

“You seem like a jolly sensible fish. I’m sure you would make a fine king.” (Queen)

“In fact often wish that fine fish like me could be king. Then everything would be right in the world.” (Colin)

“Well in that case. Your wish can come true”. (Queen)

And with that That Wicked Queen took out her magic wand and started to mutter a magic spell.

“Abra Dabra Fishy Stew - Colin shall be king and the king shall be YOU !”

The sky went dark and a chill wind blew over the pond. Big waves buffeted the frogs and tadpoles and sent the ducks and swans squarking onto the banks looking for shelter.

And as for Colin - he found himself sitting on a Thrown studded with diamonds. “Can this be true? he said to himself. “I’m all horribly dry and I’m breathing air and… I’m, I’m human. Oh my head feels jolly heavy. That must be my incredibly clever brain. Fish are known for big brains, you know, even when they are turned into humans all of a sudden. ”

But it wasn’t Colin’s brain that weighed so heavily on his head. It was a golden crown. For the wicked Queen had turned Colin into the King, - and the real King was swimming around at the bottom of the pond. It took Colin a little while to realise what had happened, and just as he was still feeling a little confused, a servant in red livery announced that The Lovely Princess Beatrice was about to enter the chamber leading a group of the smallest and sweetest little girls who lived in the Palace.

“I know who just who Beatrice is,’ said King Colin, “It’s that frilly fluffy-brained princess that Bertie’s always going on about. I better she’s not lovely at all. I bet she’s really snotty and horrible.”

But when the Lovely Princess Beatrice kissed his hand, wished him good morning, and said how handsome he was looking that day, King Colin thought to himself, “Actually, she’s not so bad after all” and found that his face was smiling back at her. Smiling was rather strange to him, because when he was a fish, all he could do was gawp. Smiling felt, well, rather nice.

The little girls who had come with Beatrice were all wearing pink dresses and they all did pretty little curtsies. Just then, Colin realised that the Wicked Queen was sitting on a thrown next to his. She learned over and whispered in his ear, “Don’t you think those little girls are perfectly revolting. Let me turn them all into tadpoles and send them to eat slime in the pond.”

“My Dear,” said Colin. “You can’t do that. Children are the future of our Kingdom.”

“Well all right then. “I suppose you are right, unfortunately,” and The Queen slipped her magic wand back into her handbag and told the children to “be off” to their lessons right away.

When they had gone, Colin said, “I think I shall be called King Colin the Wise. Because you see I’m jolly brainy.” And the Queen pulled a face at him when he wasn’t looking.

Next the Chamberlain came in and asked his majesty what he wanted for lunch that day. “The Cook recommends either sausages and beans or fish fingers and chips,” he said. “Fish Fingers! spluttered King Colin !” and then he remembered that after all these were only foolish human beings who did not know any better. He calmed down and said, “Tell the cook never to make fish fingers again. I’ll have flies for lunch, lightly fried with a little butter and with a touch of green algae on top.”

“Yes your majesty” said the Chamberlain, rather puzzled, and went away to tell the cook.

Later in the morning, the Chancellor who was in charge of all the gold and treasure in the Kingdom came to consult with the King. He said that they had collected more money than expected, and he was wondering what they should spend it on.

“Oh that’s wonderful, ” said the Lovely Princess Beatrice, “Now we can afford to build a new children’s hospital for all the little ones who are poorly.”

When the Wicked Queen heard this, she was furious: “You Stupid Girl!” she Screeched. “What on Earth makes you think we would want to waste good treasure on a some snotty nosed kids who were silly enough to get sick? Let’s spend the money on a new palace. This one’s getting shabby.”

“No, my dear,” said King Colin. “The Lovely Princess Beatrice makes a good point. This palace is splendid enough. We shall build a hospital for the children, and while we are about it, let’s make sure there is an underwater wing of the hospital especially for sick fish.”

And as the both the Chancellor and the Lovely Princess Beatrice said that King Colin was extremely wise, the decision to build the hospital was made.

And so the day went on, until King Colin went out in his golden carriage drawn by six white horses and was cheered by all the people who saw him drive past. Colin waved back at the people and practiced smiling. He thought how pleasant it was to be so popular, and to be loved by one and all for his generosity and wisdom. It was far better to be known throughout the ages as King Colin the Wise than King Colin the Grumpy. He drove to the Prime Minister’s house and told him that he wanted to make a new law right away.

“The new law, said Colin, “is that fishing is banned with immediate effect.”

“How very wise you are, your majesty”, said the Prime Minister. “Fishing is such a cruel sport.”

Just then Colin her some more cheers - even louder this time. “Ah my people are hailing King Colin the Wise,” he said.

“Actually,” said the Prime Minister, “They are cheering the Palace football team. It sounds like they’ve scored a goal in the cup final.”

“Bah!’ said Colin. “Football’s banned. The people are only allowed to cheer me.” And with that, he strutted out of the Prime Minister’s house and drove home to the palace in a huff.

The cook served flies for lunch. King Colin thought they were a little over-done and not as juicy as they used to be in the pond, but he did not say anything because he was enjoying watching the Foreign Minister putting the flies on the end of his fork and looking rather queezy. The Queen secretly made a magic spell and turned her own flies into chocolate truffles while Colin wasn’t noticing. She mentioned quietly that she had heard a rumour that some of the people were a tiny bit unhappy about Football being banned.

“I’ve an idea,” said Colin to the Foreign Minister “Let’s have a short glorious war. That will cheer the people up.”

“Who against?” asked the Foreign Minister.

“Oh Just anyone,” said King Colin. “Just as long as they are smaller than us.”

“That is very wise,” said the Foreign Minister.

As they were finishing lunch, an angry great roar could be heard all around the palace. There was the sound of battering on the front door and a shot or two was fired in the air.

“Oh Dear, ” said the Foreign Minister “It sounds like the people are pretty angry. ”

“Angry?’ said Colin, “How dare they be angry? I’m the most popular king in all history. I shall go up on the balcony and address my people. They will calm down when hear the words of King Colin the Wise”.

Up on the Balcony, Colin saw a vast ocean of angry faces surrounding the palace. Many of them were wearing blue paint on their faces and waving flags - they were football supporters you see. They began a to chant:

Nick Nack Paddy Wack
Give a fish a thrown
Splish Splash Wacky Thwack
Send him splashing home.

“Friends, Humans, Countrymen… Fish.” Called out Colin. And before he could finish his speech he was pelted with rotten eggs and tomatoes.

But King Colin the Wise was was brave and steadfast. He continued with his speech. ” Football is a noble Game. Football is a beautiful game, played on the field of honour!”

At this the people were a little quieter, because they liked football, and some of the teachers in the crowd told everyone to hush and listen to what the King had to say.

“I am building a bigger and brighter future for the Kingdom. There will be sweeties for the little children and moist lettuce leaves for the fluffy bunny rabbits. ”

Now most of the people were listening, but a little boy at the back of the crowd called out something very rude about Colin. Can you guess what he shouted? You can’t ? Well I’ll tell you. He called King Colin the wise, “Cod Face”

“Cod Face?” exclaimed King Colin. “I’ll have you know that I was once a champion carp!”

When they heard this, everyone laughed, because all though Colin was a human King, his face did look rather, well, fishy. His skin was somewhat scaly, his eyes where big and bulging, and his throat was droopy. In fact, when the Lovely Princess Beatrice and told him that he was looking handsome, she had been telling just a little white lie, because as always, she’s ever so kind.

Colin grew very angry when the people laughed at him and he started to splutter: “Well the least you could do is stop kicking a stupid football around and go back to work to earn some taxes for the treasury.”

The Wicked Queen who was listening to all this and she could not hold back any longer. She picked up a microphone inside her chamber and shouted into it so that every body could hear here her voice echoing around the Palace Grounds and even in the town squares.

“Too right everyone should work harder you lazy ungrateful lot. I want a new Palace!!!!”

Now there was uproar. The crowd was turning very, very very angry.

“Okay, okay, you can have your Lovely Game of Football” Shouted Colin. but nobody could hear him. Some of the most angry people were climbing up the drain pipes of the palace and onto the balcony. King Colin became frightened and rushed back inside. He saw the Wicked Queen and called out to her,

“My Dear Queen . Save us! The People are Revolting!”

“They are perfectly revolting!” agreed the Queen. But then she added, “The old king might have been a nincompoop, but at least he knew how to score goals for the palace Football team” And with that she pointed her magic wand at King Colin and shouted:

Fish! Flash!

And Colin found himself wet once again, and breathing under water. He heard a squeaky voice saying,

“Colin, What’s your favourite colour?”

He turned around and saw a silly little tadpole called Tim. Normally he would have been highly irritated by such a pointless question, but today he found it rather comforting to see Little Tim.

“I dun-know” said Colin. “In fact, I don’t know anything very much. I’m just just and ignorant old fish you see. All I does is go for a swim all day.” and with that he managed to turn his gawp into almost a smile.

And that’s the Storynory of The Grumpy King. Bertie says that the moral of that story is that if you put a fish in charge, that’s what you can expect: nothing but trouble. Frogs are much more royal, says Bertie. And perhaps he is right.

This audio story explains how Prince Bertie came to write the first installment of his autobiography (Prince Bertie the Frog).

The book itself presents the text and beautiful full color pictures to go with an earlier Bertie story which you can listen to here.

Here’s the blurb from the back cover:

Once upon a time, Bertie had it all. He was a handsome prince, world skateboarding champion, and engaged to the Lovely Princess Beatrice.

Nowadays poor Bertie is just a common frog. His new pondlife friends include Tim the Tadpole and Sadie the Swan. Colin the Grump Carp goes around the pond whispering ugly rumors. Colin says that Bertie’s making it all up about his royal past.

In this exciting, up-to-day fairy tale, Bertie exclusively reveals the events that led to his downfall.

The story of how Bertie came to write his book is read by Natasha Gostwick. Duration 10 minutes.

Bertie’s been secretly writing his book for several months now. He’s dedicated it to his friend Tim the Tadpole. Apparently it’s a jolly clever book - well that’s what Bertie told me anyhow.

It all began one Monday morning quite a while back, when Tim was the saddest little Tadpole in the pond. He didn’t want to eat up his green slime for breakfast, and he didn’t want to go to School. Instead he hid under a stone - well it was more like a piece of grit really, because he is very small.

Sadie the Swan swooped down with her elegant neck and picked Tim up on the end of her beak.

“Why don’t you tell us what’s upsetting you litte Tim?” she asked.

“Can’t, can’t, can’t,” wailed Tim, then “Shan’t, shan’t, shan’t…” , and then he dived back into the pond with a minsicule little splash.

“You can tell us, we’re you’re friends,” Sadie called after him.

‘Fwaaa”, said Colin the Carp, who’s a very grumpy fish.”Maybe he’s finally realised that he’s just a silly, insignificant little tadpole. That’s enough to make anyone feel a bit down…. and what’s more, his entire foresseable future consists of growing up into ugly frog like Bertie… in fact, that fate’s so awful that even I feel sorry for him.”

And Tim paused for a moment, feeling very, very, very sad. And then in a very small and very squeaky voice he started to explain. You see Tim didn’t want to go to school because he wasn’t doing very well at reading. And every time he was in the reading class, he felt a bit sad, because all the other tadpoles were doing much better than he was. And he tried and he tried and he tried…but he still found reading things very difficult, especially words. As for sentences, they were just impossible!

“Maybe that’s because your stupid,” suggested Colin.

“No, no, no, don’t be mean,” said Bertie. “When I was just a princeling - that’s like a prince, you know, only smaller, it took me ever such a long time to learn to read”.

“Well, that is surprising,” said Colin.

“What we need to do,” announced Sadie, “Is to give Tim some help with learning to read. Because all it takes is practise.”

And all the pond life agreed that was an excellent idea.

There was only one problem.

They didn’t have any books.

“I know,” said Bertie. “We’ll go to the Palace Library. They’ve got lots of books there, like The Greatest Skateboarding Heroes in World History. And 101 Ways to Cook a Chocolate Marshamallow - those are two of my personal favorites.”

And so they waited until night time, because it would look a bit strange to see a swan, a frog and a tadpole walking through the Palace in broad daylight.

When it was really, really late, about ten minutes after bedtime, we all crept into the Palace library. Sadie waddled, and I carried Tim and Bertie in my handbag.

It was a bit dark inside, but I knew the way because Bertie is always sending me there to look up stories.

Of course inside, there were hundred and hundreds, if not thousands of books. I said I that I knew a really good one called “The Three Little Pigs”, - “it’s a really page-turner” I told them - but it was out. Somebody must have borrowed it.

“I Know,” said Sadie, “Let’s find him the story of Swan Lake”.

“Oh no, that’s far too sad,” said Bertie, who knows all about most stories. “if Tim reads that, he’s sure to burst into tears again.”

“How about this?” asked Tim.

Bertie pullled the book down from the shelf.

“Relativity: The Special and General Theory by Albert Einstein.”

“That sounds good,” said Tim. “I’ve got lots of relatives.”

So Bertie handed him the book.

But after a few minutes, Tim said. “I think this one’s a bit difficult.”

Tim searched for a long time, then choose a book with a blue cover, and which was also very short, because he liked short books.

“Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus, by Lugwig Wittgenstein, said Bertie. “Ah, er…that sounds good.”

Tim started to read.

After a short while, he tried to scratch his head. Only he didn’t have any arms, so it was a bit difficult. Don’t you think it would be better if Natasha read it to me?” said Tim. “She usually seems to be quite good at reading.”

So I read the first sentence.

“Perhaps this book will be understood only by someone who has himself

already had the thoughts that are expressed in it”"Err, that’s just what I was thinking,” said Bertie. Let’s read something interesting instead.

“I don’t really like any of these books,” said Tim.

“What kind of book do you want?” asked Sadie.

“A book about us,” said Tim. “About me, and Bertie, and Aunty Sadie, and perhaps about Colin the Carp too, and all the silly little tadpoles, and Grandpa Tommy Frog, and, and about my mum.”

Sadie and Bertie looked at each other.

“There is no such book,” said Sadie.

“But we’ll make one,” suggested Bertie, when he saw his little friend looking sad.

And so over the next few days, and weeks, and months, Bertie worked ever so hard at becoming an author. He spent long hours conptemplating the sky, lost in his thoughts, and thinking ever so hard. Eventually, he told me the true storynory of how it was he became a frog, even though he used to be a Royal Prince, and how he came to live on the pond. I wrote it down for him, and and sent it off to the printer.

And when Tim received his copy, he read all the words and looked at all the pictures. He even read some of the sentences too.

And now he doesn’t have any trouble reading at all. And everyday at school, Tim is the happiest little tadpole in the pond.

And did you know that you too can get a copy of Bertie’s book? It’s really rather a good book, says Bertie. All the pages have funny pictures in colour, and there are plenty of nice words in it, and what’s best all, the story is absolutely true.

You can buy it by going to Storynory.com. Now you see, you don’t have to listen to me to learn all about Bertie’s adventures,
you can read about them yourself. Well, I hope you’ll still listen to me too, sometimes…. because if you don’t, I’ll feel just a bit sad.

There is a terribly romantic mood on the pond where Prince Bertie the Frog lives. All the pond life are excited by Valentine’s Day. But nobody is more excited than Bertie. All he has to do is to lure the Lovely Princess Beatrice down to the pond, receive a kiss from her Royal Loveliness, and he will turn back into his true self - a handsome prince. Sadie the Swan has a plan… but Colin the Carp is certain that it won’t be so easy to persuade a princess to kiss Bertie.

And if you are interested in the background to St. Valentine’s day, try our story of St. Valentine.

Read by Natasha. Duration 15.20

Bertie Valentine

Hello, this is Natasha, and I’m dropping by to tell you the true storynory of Prince Bertie the Frog’s Valentine’s Day.

Have you heard about Valentine’s Day?

It’s a very special day. Every year, on the 14th of February, you send cards to people you love, and care about.

And if there is someone you have been secretly admiring, you can send them a card, and not say who it is from.

That sounds terribly mysterious and exciting.

Anyway, a few days ago, I was going for a walk, and I was thinking about who I might send a Valentine’s Card to this year, when I walked past the pond where Prince Bertie the frog lives with all his friends.

And I saw Bertie sitting there, looking very sad.

Tim the Tadpole was trying to cheer him up.

“Let’s go for a walk, Bertie,” said Tim.

“You haven’t got any legs, Tim” said Bertie.

“Let’s play hopscotch.”

“No,” snapped Bertie.

“Or skipping ….”

Bertie looked blankly at his legless little friend as if he were a rather silly tadpole - which of course he was.

“C’mon Bertie,” said Colin the Grumpy Carp “There’s nothing like a good old moan to improve everybody’s mood. One two three…..ugggggggg!”

When I saw how my friend Bertie looked, I felt rather sorry for him, and I knelt down by the edge of the pond. “Why so sad?” I asked.

Bertie blushed a shade of deepest green, and got all shy. He sighed a bit, and at length he said, ‘Well let me tell you a story, and it will all become clear.”

As his story was rather short - I’ll just tell it to you quickly. Once upon time there was a handsome, brave and gallant prince who was engaged to be married to a beautiful princess. Then one day a wicked queen got rather cross and shouted out a magic spell that turned him into a frog. For a whole year he sat on aLilly leaf and cried big fat tears, but then, on a bright wintry day, his princess came wondering by the pond. She saw the sad little creature, picked him up in her hand, and kissed him. For you see, although he was a frog, he was still terribly handsome and she just couldn’t resist his charms. No sooner had she kissed him, than he turned back into a prince and they got married and lived happily ever after. THE END.

When I heard the story, I knew what Bertie meant. He was hoping for a Valentine’s day kiss from the lovely Princess Beatrice, for that would turn him back into a prince. But Colin the Carp was far from convinced:

“Boring!” he said.” Fairy tales always end in soppy kisses and happy ever after - but that’s because they are made up.. If you ask me - which nobody ever does around this pond - in Real Life no self-respecting princess would kiss an ugly little frog not if even if you gave her a whole palace made of gold and filled to the top of its towers with pearls, frilly dresses, diamond tiaras and Girls AloudCDs, not even then could she bring herself to kiss Bertie.”

Just then, Sadie the Swan glided across the pond: “Oh yes she could,” she said. “Princesses are always on the look out for frogs to kiss…It’s their royal duty. We must lure the Lovely Princess Beatrice to walk past he pond on Valentines Day, when she’s in her most dreamy and romantic mood, and she’s sure to kiss Bertie because being a true princess, she’ll just know that really he’s a handsome prince under a magic spell..”

So all the pond life thought very hard about how to get The Lovely Princess Beatrice to walk past the pond and see Bertie. They thought and thought…and Tim was thinking so hard, he fell over backwards.

And then Sadie came up with a clever plan — because Sadie knows all about Valentine’s Day, and usually gets dozens of cards from swans all over the world.

“I know,” she said. “We’ll ask Natasha to send an announcement to The Palace Radio Station. Princess Beatrice will hear it, she’ll know it was meant for her, and she’ll come down to the pond, plant kiss on Bertie, and they will both live happily ever after.”

“Gosh, I say, that’s really jolly clever, Sadie,” said Bertie.

And so it was done.

On Valentines day, the Royal DJ was only playing romantic soppy love songs, and in between records he was reading out even gooier Valentines messages. It was all rather boring really, but everyone in the palace was listening out, just in case they heard a message that was meant for them.

Eventually he read out the lines for Princess Beatrice - but because it was a Valentine’s message, and meant to be sort of secret, it didn’t actually mention any names. The DJ purred.

“Greetings Royal pop-pickers: here’s a message to get young hearts beating - not arf. if you go down to the palace pond today, only kiss a frog and your every wish will come true - all right, stay bright. And now here’s a cool chart-topper from years gone by - Save All Your kisses for Me by the Brother Hood of Man.”

All the girls who lived in the palace and in the houses near by heard the message on the palace radio, and each one of them wondered who would be the lucky girl who found the right frog to kiss, and whose every wish would come true. And the same thought popped through the heads of quite a few of them: “I wonder if maybe, just maybe, it might be me.” Even I thought the same for a moment - and then I remembered that I’m not a true princess, just Bertie’s special story teller, and so my wishes wouldn’t come true even if I did kiss him. So I decided not to after all.

On Valentine’s Day, His Royal Highness Prince Bertie the Frog peeked out from behind his lilly pad and looked at his reflection in the pond. His skin was a nice shiny shade of green. He sipped up some water and swilled away all the traces of green slime from around his mouth. It was apity that he he couldn’t do anything about the bumps on his head and back, but all the same, he was certain that if the Lovely Princess Beatrice felt like kissing a frog that morning, it might as well be him.

The mood on the pond was terribly romantic. He could see that Sadie had already received a sackful of Valentine cards.

Tim had received one - from his mum.

And Colin had received one as well, from Chloe Carp, and he was swimming around in quite an excited way - but actually that card was from Bertie playing a joke on him.

Bertie couldn’t wait for the lovely Princess Beatrice to come down and kiss him.

So he hopped up onto the bank of the pond, and looked out across to the Palace.

Soon a small girl came along and immediately she saw bertie she cooed,, “Oooh Look Nanny, a frog, let me kiss him quick and all my wishes will come true.” Bertie tried to hop away as fast as he could, but the girl’s brother caught him and held Bertie up to his sister’s lips.

“Go on now” said the boy - who was really rather horrid - “kissy kissy!”

“Ooooh,” said the girl, scrunching up her face, “He’s so shiny and green - quite, quite, the ugliest little creature I ever did see - but I’m sure that he’ll turn into a prince if I kiss him, so I suppose I had just better get it over with” And she closed her eyes and kissed Bertie. Bertie thought the kiss was perfectly horrible, and he wriggled and wriggled trying to escape, but the boy thought it was hilarious, and he put Bertie in his satchel and took him to school. In the play ground the girls queued up and paid the boy with their pocket money, or toffee apples, orchewie sweets, and each one of them kissed Bertie to see if he would turn into a prince for them, and each one of them was disappointed that nothing happened - because none of them was a true princess. Some of them burst into tears.

It was a very miserable Bertie who eventually hopped back to the pond after receiving more kisses than he could count.

He was about to dive into the slimy green water, when he saw Princess Beatrice. She was walking down to the pond, looking for a frog to kiss - for - when she heard the message on the radio, she suspected that her wicked step mother might have turned her beloved Prince Bertie into a frog, - because she hadn’t seen or heard from him for quite a while now - and she knew that she must find him, and kiss him. Bertie became ever so excited, and started to hop up and down , but Beatrice didn’t see him. Instead, she spotted Old Tommy Frog, Tim the tadpole’s grandfather, who’d been sent down to check that Tim had received his card.

“Beatrice, my darling” Bertie tried to cry out - but the only sound that came out of his mouth was a big “croak!”:

And Princess Beatrice was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t even hear his croaking.

Instead, she knelt down and gave old grandfather Tommy a peck on the bump of his head. He got the shock of his ancient life, and dived straight back into the pond.

“I wish that Prince Bertie would come home soon,” said Beatrice, before adding, “hmmm I ‘m not sure that I really like kissing frogs, but I suppose it’s my royal duty once in a while”. And then she turned around and headed straight back to the palace.

And Bertie felt a bit sad about that. But then he cheered up…because he knew the lovely Princess Beatrice still loved him, and was thinking about him on Valentine’s Day and wishing that he would come home.

And as Bertie went to sleep under his lilly, he could see Colin swimming around, looking at his card and saying, “I wonder who Chloe Carp is?”

And that’s the true storynory of Bertie’s Valentine’s Day.

I hope you have a great day

Until next time, from me, Natasha, and all your friends at Storynory.com, bye, bye….

There are holiday gift baskets online now for almost any occasion, so whether you need
Valentines Day gift baskets for that special someone or just any generic gifts for any time of the year, you can find many fruit baskets in various designs online.

We are getting really into the holiday mood now, with the absolutely true story of how Prince Bertie the Frog met Santa Claus. And as a special treat this story is our first to come with music and ambience.

Read by Natasha. Duration 23 Minutes.

Hello. This is Natasha. And I’m dropping by to tell you the storynory of how Prince Bertie the Frog met Father Christmas.

Yes, really.

In real life.

It’s ever such an exciting story, I can hardly wait to tell it to you.

Christmas was getting close. And all the pond life were sitting around discussing the things that they wanted for Christmas.

It was quite shivery weather, being the middle of winter in that part of the world, but Prince Bertie the Frog and his friends didn’t mind about that. They were too excited thinking of things to ask Santa for.

“What are you wishing for, Bertie?” asked Tim the tadpole.

“Well, my small friend,” said Bertie. “I would like a new 60 giga-byte video Ipod, personally engraved of course. And a new PlayStation 3, with loads of games to play. Maybe a Nintendo as well. Oh, and perhaps a High definition flat panel TV. And, and, and….I would like one of the new Robo-Skateboarders, because I have read it is this year’s must-have present, and there will be a real shortage.”

Bertie had reeled off his Christmas list with great enthusiasm, but then for a moment he felt a little bit sad. For you see, when he was a prince and lived in the palace, he used to get loads and loads of presents. But now he’s a frog, the most he can really look forward to for Christmas is a piece of green slime.

“And how about you Tim?” asked Bertie.

“A pair of Wellington boots,” said Tim. “A walking stick. Some socks. Maybe some jelly babies. And a copy of “Cooking With Slime” by Joly Oliver.”

“We better not even ask Colin the Carp what he wants,” said Bertie.

“Oh, just a fly trap, as usual,” said Colin, sounding a bit gloomy. “And maybe, if Santa can be bothered, a copy of “Dead Insects a la Carte” by Graham Ramsey.”

“And in a perfect world, what would Santa bring for Sadie the Swan ?,” Bertie wondered out aloud

Sadie glided elegantly across the pond. “I think I’d rather ike a day at a luxury health spa,” she sighed. “And some feather beauty treatments.”

And so Bertie said he was would write all the things they wanted down, and make sure they were sent off to Santa in plenty of time for Christmas — and maybe, just this time, Santa would remember all the pondlife. After all, there has to be a first time for everything.

But he had counted without a very unexpected turn of events.

Up at the Palace, just a few days before Christmas, the Wicked Queen, princess’ Beatrice’s Step mother was in a terrible temper - even worse than usual.

She was getting more and more stressed with all the preparations for the big day.

There were presents to buy and wrap.

And food to prepare.

And all sorts of charitable acts for the poor people…which really didn’t interest her very much.

“Right, that’s it,” she screeched one morning. “I’m totally fed up. Christmas is cancelled. We’re not bothering this year…and I’m going to ask that stupid old Santa just to send me a cheque instead.”

Now, when everyone in the Palace heard this, they were really quite upset, because they were looking forward to Christmas so very much. But the wicked step-mother was absolutely determined. “No No, No, Absolutely NOT. Christmas is OFF,” she shrieked over and over again. “And if any little child so much as dare whisper “merry Christmas” I’ll turn him into a beetle.” And everyone did their best to stay out of her sight. Because you see, secretly she’s a witch, and she might turn you into a creepy crawly just for fun, so if he’s in a bad mood, it’s best to stay out of her way.

Everyone was truly miserable, but nobody more so than the Lovely Princess Beatrice, because she especially loved Christmas. Most of all, she liked helping the poor people, and she doing kind thinbgs for little children, and small, fluffy animals…and she quite liked eating yummy-scrummy food, and getting some presents herself.

So she was terribly upset.

And to calm herself down, she went for a walk by the pond. But she couldn’t stop herself from sobbing gentle, sweet tears. She began to talk the creatures who lived on the pond, and she didn’t think for moment think that they might understand a word of what she was saying.

“Dear, gentle swan,” she said. “Funny-faced frog, tiny tadpole, and strangely grumpy looking fish, do you not understand how sad I am, now that the wicked Step-Mother has cancelled Christmas? Yes, it’s true, she wrote to Santa and asked him to pay a cheque into her bank account instead. oh Alas! It is as if my heart had been broken into a thousand tiny little bits….and I have no idea how to put it back together again.”

And wiping the tears from her eyes, she went back to the Palace.

“Oh!,” sighed Bertie. “This is truly terrible. I can’t bear to see the lovely Princess Beatrice so upset. After all, I’m still officially engaged to be married to her royal loveliness. Something must be done.”

And so Bertie, along with his friends, hatched a cunning plan.

They waited until the night of Christmas Eve.

And when it was getting dark, Bertie and Tim hopped onto Sadie the swan’s back. The mission was so important that even Colin the Carp wished them good luck.

Sadie flapped her wings. It was a long time since she had flown anywhere, and she had to flap and flap, but finally she spread out her feathers and soared upwards into the night sky.

Bertie was hanging onto her back…and Tim was hanging onto Bertie.

“Are we there yet?,” asked Tim nervously.

“I only wish,” said Bertie as he swayed around in the wind.

Sadie flapped up and down, up and down, until they were flying over a near-by village.

“There!” shouted Bertie.

And Sadie flew down onto the rooftop, skidding to a halt. Tim was very pleased to climb off, and was already wondering if he could take a bus home, since flying on a swan’s back was a bit scary.

“We’ll just wait right by this chimney” said Bertie. “And when Santa and the reindeer come along, we’ll tell him that he’s not to listen to the silly old Wicked Step-mother and I’ll order him to deliver presents to the Palace as usual.”

And then he paused to think for a bit. “And to everyone on the pond as well, of course.”

So Bertie and Tim and Sadie waited and waited. They got very cold, and a bit peckish, but they didn’t complain because they knew it was very important to see Santa.

Finally, they saw the twinkling of moonbeams, a silvery trail of stardust, and Santa’s sleigh was coming into land.

“I saw him first, I saw him first,” said Tim, trying to jump up and down, which is quite difficult when you haven’t got any legs.

“No, I did,” boomed Bertie.

“It was me, it was me,” squealed Tim.

“No, Tim, I…”

“Not fair, not fair, not fair,” cried Tim. “I never get to see anyone first.”

“Now, now, boys, it doesn’t really matter who saw him first,” said Sadie. “We just have to speak to Santa.”

The sleigh had already landed on the roof, and a big jolly man with a red coat and a white beard was walking with a sack of presents towards the chimney.

“Who’s that?” asked Tim, who really is a rather silly Tadpole.

Bertie ignored him and went up to accost Santa’s reindeer.

“I say there, my merry fellows,” said Bertie. “I need to have word about a delivery.”

“Well, I don’t know about that,” said the first reindeer. “You’ll have to talk to the boss.”

“It’s very urgent,” said Bertie.

“Oh, urgent, is it?” said the reindeer. “It’s only Christmas Eve, innit mate. We’ve only got, what three or four billion presents to deliver. And you start telling us your business is urgent.”

“But….but….” spluttered Bertie.

“Well have you got anything for us?,” asked the reindeer.

“And not another mince pie and carrot,” said the next reindeer. “We’ve had a couple of million of them already, and we’re fed up.”

“I didn’t actually think to bring you something,” said Bertie.

“No, well, nobody ever does. We deliver millions of presents around the world, and nobody brings us nothing - unless its a mince pie.”

Bertie was starting to wonder if he’s shouldn’t put in an official complaint about the reindeer’s poor service, when just then Santa himself popped back out of the chimney.

“Oh bother,” he said, bending over and picking up Bertie. “Looks like I dropped this little feller. Oh well, never mind, we’ll just sling it in the next stocking. There must be some not-terribly well-behaved snotty nosed kid who deserves nothing better than a cheap looking toy frog .”

“I-I-I’m not a toy,” spluttered Bertie.”

Santa chuckled. “A toy that talks - that’s hardly original.”

“Look here my good sir,” said Bertie, putting on his grandest voice. “I’m Prince Bertie. From the Palace, you know. I’m merely in the form of a frog because my fiance’s step mother got rather cross with me once - well that’s a long story - perhaps I’ll tell it to you another time”

“We’ll be skipping the Palace this year,” said Santa. “The Queen wrote to us personally, and said she was cancelling Christmas this year, and we were just to send a cheque and a large box of chocolates instead.”

“That’s just it,” said Bertie. “It’s all been a terrible mistake. The lovely Princess Beatrice - she’s my fiancee you know, and the sweetest kindest creature who ever lived - is so terribly sad about Christmas being cancelled, and so I’ve come to ask you to put the Palace back on your route. If its not too much trouble…”

Santa stroked his long white beard. “Can’t be done,” he said firmly. “It’s all been inputed on the system, you see. I can’t go around changing it at the last minute.”

“But Princess Beatrice will be so miserable,” said Bertie.

Santa shook his head. “Not as upset as the systems people will be if I start trying to change the rota. It simply can’t be done.”

Bertie was starting to get so cross he was hopping from one foot to another. “I have to insist,” he said.

“You can insist all you like, my fine frog, er, Prince, but rules are rules. Letters to Santa must be written three week in advance, on one side of paper only, and addressed to the North Pole. Chimneys must be a regulation six feet minimum, and free of dangerous objects. Roofs must have a minimum width of twelve feet landing space for the reindeer. One mince pie must be left for Santa, but no custard, or harmful additives. It’s all there in health and safety regulations, mate.”

“But its Christmas,” spluttered Bertie. “Goodwill to all frogs, and all that.”

“Doesn’t mean there aren’t rules to follow,” said Santa. “If the Palace wants to go back on the list then they will have to apply to head office.”

Just then Sadie the swan walked across. She hissed her fiercest hiss, and bared her sharp teeth. “You’ve never seen a crying Princess,” she said. “It’s enough to break any-one’s hear. Now deliver a present.”

Santa backed away, because Sadie was really quite scary when she got cross. “I could I suppose,” said Santa. “But I’m afraid we haven’t got anything to give her.”

“Nothing at all,” said Bertie.

Santa shook his head. “All these presents are spoken for,” he said. “You wouldn’t want some small child missing out because of you, would you frog?.”

Now Bertie thought about it, that didn’t seem a terribly good idea. “I know,” he said. “Just take me. I’ll be the present.” And as Santa was fed up of arguing,
he agreed to Bertie’s plan, on condition that nobody breathed a word about it to head office.

And so Bertie, Tim and Sadie climbed onto Santa’s sleigh, which Tim thought was the most exciting thing ever. And the reindeer pulled it high into the sky, until it landed on the roof of the Palace. Santa put Bertie in his pocket and dropped down the chimney. He glanced across to check that the lovely Princess Beatrice was sleeping, and then he slipped Bertie into the bottom of the stocking that was hung up by the chimney.

He picked up the mince pie that Princess Beatrice had left just in case Santa did come after all. And then he flew on to deliver the presents to all the other children all over the world.

Bertie stayed at the bottom of the stocking until dawn broke. He was starting to wish he’d borrowed a mince pie because he was feeling a bit peckish, but then he heard Princess Beatrice waking up.

She walked over to the chimney, and she saw that the mince pie was gone, and that there was something in the stocking. “Santa has been,” she said out loud. “I knew he would….”

“I’m so excited, I’m so excited, she said, dancing around the room. “It’s Christmas.”

And then when she had calmed down, she looked inside the stocking. She was talking out loud about all the things she’d asked Santa for. A new tiara set, a string of pearls, a pink ballgown, a fluffy pink bunny, and a complete set of Girls Aloud Cds.

“Oh dear,” she said, lifting Bertie out of the stocking. “It’s a toy frog. That’s, er, well, quite nice I suppose - I think I’ll take it to the charity shop on Monday.”

Bertie was a bit sad about about that. It seemed the Princess Beatrice didn’t really like her present. He only longed that he could look into her darling hazel eyes and say, “Dearest Beatrice? Don’t you recognise me? Before I became this sweet little frog you see before you, I was your Handsome Prince Bertie”

Now if there is one thing Bertie was good at when he was still a prince, it was skateboarding. Unfortunately, Princess Beatrice did not own a skateboard,
but she did have a pair of Rollerblades. And as it happened, Bertie saw one sticking out from under her bed. He pulled it out and hopped on board. Then he started to
do loop-the-loops and all sorts of marvelous acrobatics. Eventually he fell off, but he managed to make that look like he did it on purpose, just to be funny.

Princess Beatrice was delighted. She was so excited she jumped up and down and clapped her hands. Then she picked up Bertie and was about to kiss him when she thought, “well perhaps not this time” and put him down again on the floor.

“My darling little frog,” she said. “How can I ever thank you enough? This is the best Christmas ever.” And she ran off to tell all the little children who lived in the palace all about what had happened.

“Croak” said Bertie when she was gone. And he cried a little tear because he would so like to be a prince once again, and spend Christmas with the Lovely Princess Beatrice. But at the same time, he felt really really happy because he had managed to cheer her up.

And when he got back to the pond, he found some presents waiting for him. And Tim had cooked up a mega-dish of Christmas treats, specially prepared from his brand new copy of ‘Cooking With Green Slime’.

And that’s the storynory of how Prince Bertie the Frog met Father Christmas. And every single word of it is true. Honestly.

I hope you have a great day.

And Santa brings you some wonderful presents.

But for now, from me, Natahsa, and all your pondlife friends at Storynory.com HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS ! bye, bye.

One major use for holiday gift
baskets is to get a new friend or family member a
gift without necessarily knowing their personal tastes. In the future you may be able to buy them Christmas gift baskets based on what they actually like, so they don’t feel like they just got corporate gift baskets instead.

Warning: This a rather scary story, particularly if you are a very small tadpole. Halloween is the most frightening night the year, or it is the most scrummy night of the year, depending on whether you are on the right end of a trick or a treat. Prince Bertie the Frog, Colin the Carp and friends are in search of fun and things to eat, but they encouter a real wicked witch in the form of Princess Beatrice’s Stepmother. Bertie makes a wish, and then wishes that he hadn’t.

Read by Natasha. Duration 15 minutes.

There are lot of new Halloween Costumes available this year. Traditional favorites like Superman, Power Rangers and Spiderman are available in Kids Costumes. Many kids are excited about the new Batman movie coming out this year so The Joker and Batman Superhero Costumes are sure to be popular.

Natasha’s storytelling has been coming in for some criticism of late, from none other than Colin the Carp (whom all the pond life know to be a particularly grumpy fish). This led to a huge argument on the p