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This is our most ambitious story about the “Wicked Uncle” – Uncle Jeff. Of course he’s not really wicked, merely irresponsible, and somewhat annoying to mum and dad. But the kids love him.

This story refers back to our summer story, “The Wicked Uncle by the Sea” when Uncle Jeff and the kids climbed aboard the yacht of a Russian billionaire and were held captive by the crew. By way of apology the billionaire now offers the family the trip of the life time – a holiday aboard his new space hotel.

We’ve mixed in some educational space background about space travel. For example, we mention Yuri Gagarin, the first man in space, and we explain about the astronauts have to endure g-force as the rocket takes off.

Several real-life companies are promising holidays in space and there are even plans to build a space hotel. Our description of the hotel and the robot butler is fantasy though. Needless to say none of the characters or businesses mentioned in the story have anything to do with real life ones.

The main aim of this story is try and convey some of the wonder of being in space and looking back at the earth, and the marvel of creation and life which is so much part of Christmas.

Read by Natasha. Story by Bertie. Duration 32.47

It was November. Every shop window glittered with christmas lights, inflatable Santas, christmas trees, tinsel and glitz.

“Oh no, “ said mum as she pushed the trolly round the supermarket, “I’m bored with Christmas already. I’m simply not going to order a turkey this year. We’ll just have to get away for the holidays- as far away as we possibly can.”

But she could not quite work out how to win over Dad and and the kids to her get-away-plan, because she knew just how much they loved every detail of Christmas at home, right down to the last bad joke in the crackers.

She was still brooding over the problem that evening when the phone rang. It was uncle Jeff. She held the receiver about six inches from her ear because his voice was loud and grating.

“Have I Christmas sorted for you and the kids this year, “ he announced, “It’s a surprise that’s, well, out of this world. That’s the only way to put it. “

“LIke an all inclusive luxury hotel in the Maldives out-of -this-world?” asked mum hopefully,

“Not a bad guess. It is a Christmas-get-away. But it’s less boring than a beach,” replied Jeff. In fact the news was so exciting that he had to come round and break it to the family in person.

An hour later ,the wheels of Jeff’s Porsche crunched onto the drive. Mum felt a certain amount of dread as she wondered what his Christmas surprise would be. She imagined all the dangerous and irresponsible treats that he might, in his bachelor delusion, believe to be suitable for a family holiday: Big Game Hunting? Scuba Diving with Great White Sharks? Jumping out of helicopters with skis?

She watched her husband grimace as Jeff slapped him on the back and asked “How’s tricks my older bro?”

The kids were supposed to be in bed, but both were sitting in their pajamas at the top of the stairs.

“Hi Uncle Jeff ! “ they chorused. And he gave them a wink and replied, “No listening in now, because what I’m going to say is so exciting that if you hear it, you won’t be able to sleep.”

So of course they both did listen at the living room door while Jeff unveiled his surprise to Mum and Dad.

“I bet,” said Jeremy, “That he knows a rock star or some mega famous actor who’s invited us to stay in a mansion. ”

“I’m not so sure about that, “ said Jemima. “I think Jeff knows business people mainly. Mum says he drives around in sports cars because most of his life is really rather boring.”

And when they both reapplied their ears to the door they heard that Uncle Jeff was indeed talking about a business person, but not a boring one:

“Back in the summer, when you came to stay at my place by the sea, there was a big yacht in the harbour belonging to a mega-rich Russian. Me and the kids ran into him by chance, and there was a little, shall we say, unpleasantness with his staff, for which he was incredibly sorry. And by way of apology, he wants the family – that’s you and the kids – to be the first to try out his life-changing – first of its kind, new frontier -travel service, all absolutely free, gratis, on the house. It will be the holiday of a lifetime.”

“And what sort of holiday would that be?” asked Dad.

“The name of the company is a bit of a giveaway. It’s called ‘Holidays in Space’”.

“I don’t get it,” said Mum.

Well,” said Uncle Jeff. “It does what it says in the tin. Here’s some literature.”

And he handed them some brochures.

“I still don’t get it,” said mum. “What do all these pictures of space rockets mean?”

“Duh ! “ exclaimed Jeremy outside the door. “It’s pretty obvious isn’t it? We’re going to spend Christmas in space, courtesy of Uncle Jeff and his Russian billionaire friend. “

“Don’t be silly and keep your voice down,” hissed back his sister. The could hear that
mum was saying, “Oh no ! Oh no!. Oh no!”

And Jeremy pushed the door open and came flying into the room saying “Yes, yes yes ! Thank you uncle Jeff ! That’s the most incredible idea ever!”

And Jemima was saying “Not me. You won’t catch me going up in rocket propelled bucket!”

Dad just sat looking amazed. Mum was pleading with him. “Explain to your brother why his idea is completely no-can-do, not-on-your-life.”

But Dad got up and hugged his brother.

“You see,” he said, “When we were both growing up, we both wanted to be astronauts. And now Jeff has made it possible. That’s so incredibly kind of him. Of course we must accept. Don’t you see? This is an amazing opportunity for the kids. It will change their whole view of the world. You wouldn’t want them to grow up saying that they had a chance to go into space, but their parents passed it by?“

And when mum thought about it, she realised that she wouldn’t want her children saying a thing like that.

As soon as the school term finished, the family flew to Russia to begin training for their Christmas holiday. Three and a half hours after leaving London, they landed at Moscow airport. As they came through passport control , surly looking men in leather jackets called out “taxi! taxi!”.

“Nyet, Nyet,” said Mum. It was the only Russian she knew. It means “No.”

“There’s our guide,” said Dad. And he tugged his suitcase on wheels in the direction of a tall blond lady who was holding up a sign that said:

“HOLIDAYS IN SPACE”.

A car picked them up outside airport and drove them along the ring road around Moscow. They looked out at the landscape of snow covered fields, silver birch trees, high-rised flats and signs in unfamiliar Russian letters – and quite frankly they felt that they were already out of this world.

Finally they checked into their hotel inside Star City, the training centre for all the Russian cosmonauts, as well as for space tourists like themselves. The rooms were rather small and poky, and Dad said it was part of the training, to get used to the cramped conditions of the space craft..

A little later, the family went downstairs to meet Uncle Jeff who had been in Moscow for a few days already : “Hey Kids. Welcome to Space City. Have you seen Yuri Gagarin yet?”

“Who’s he?” asked Jeremy.

“Why he’s my hero. The first man in space of course,” said Jeff. “Get you gloves and hats on, and we’ll go and pay homage. He’s just across the square. “

Yuri Gagarin was in fact a statue on the steps of the space museum – - a sliver man flying through a hoop, more like a circus acrobat than a cosmonaut.

As uncle Jeff explained, the real Yuri Gagarin had died when he crashed his Mig fighter jet. “But he got into space first, in 1961, ahead of the Americans,” he added.

“But the Americans got to the moon first,” said Jeremy.

“That’s true, I well remember watching the Apollo moon mission on a dim television screen when we were boys. The rocket standing on the launch pad in Cape Canaveral. Mission control counting down. And then a blast of fire. Lift off from 0 to 28,000 kilometers per hour, why that’s a bigger rush than my motorcycle can do! Ever since then, I’ve dreamed of trip through space.”

“And now your dream is coming true Uncle Jeff” said Jemima.

“Uh-uh. No room for me. It’s going to be squish getting you four inside the space shuttle,”

And the kids realised just how generous Uncle Jeff had been to give up his chance of fulfilling his boyhood dream for them. Mum would have gladly given him her place in space, but she knew she would be more worried waiting on the ground than if she was actually in orbit with the family.

We’re going to be the first family in space.. It will be like, historic.” said Jeremy.

“And great publicity for the travel company,” said Dad.

“Providing we all get back safely,” added mum.

In the morning, things started to get even more real when they met their space instructor, a former Cosmonaut called Timor who had spent six months living in the International Space Station which orbits the earth. He told the kids:

“When I was in space, I missed my family. There was nothing else on Earth that I felt the need for. So you are very fortunate to be going up with your mom and dad.”

Jemima hugged her mother and said how wonderful it was to be going into space together. Jeremy shuffled his feet.

Timor took them to the quartermaster to try on their space suits for the first time. All the suits had “Holidays in Space” written across the chests and helmets. Jeremy had a blue helmet and Jemima had a pink one, Dad had an extra large helmet, and mum had a neat white one.

Uncle Jeff joined them for their training too – just to so he could get a taste of what space travel would be like. He brought his own space helmet which he had ordered especially from NASA, the American space agency. It bore the inscription:

Buzz Lightyear. Space Ranger.

Mum said it only went to show that Uncle Jeff hadn’t grown up.

Their first space lesson was fun. It involved picking up toothbrushes while wearing big fat gloves, and sticking things to walls with velcro, because in space everything would be floating around. Then they learned to operate the space toilet, which was a cross between a seat and a vacuum cleaner and had lots of different colored buttons.

The next day things started to get tough. The hardest part of space travel is enduring the enormously powerful gravitational force – or g-force – when you pass out of, and then back into, the Earth’s Atmosphere. This force feels a bit like being on the biggest, fastest, scariest, and most sick-making fair ground ride – and so space training is a bit like going to the fun fair – only a lot worse.

They met Timor in a large empty room next to the gymnasium.

“Jeremy. Please sit on this chair and fasten the seat belt nice and tight,” said Timor. Jeremy did as he was told. The chair wasn’t particularly conformable. He wondered what was going to happen. Was he about to drop through a trap door? Or shoot up through the ceiling at vast speed? No. Wrong on both counts. He started to spin round, fast at first, and then even faster, then even faster. It would have been fine, only he felt that his stomach and his head were both traveling at different speeds in different directions. He wished he had not eaten pancakes and honey for breakfast. ‘STOP !” he shouted. He span round a few dozen more times, but now more and slowly, thankfully.

“Well done. You lasted 96 seconds before begging for mercy. Not bad. “ said Timor.

Jeremy felt too sick to make any comment.

And then Jemima, Mum and Dad all had a go. Mum lasted the longest – two and half minutes – perhaps that was because she had eaten the least breakfast.

Over the next couple of weeks, they did a lot of whizzing around in circles . And trained inside a giant water tank, to get used to floating, because that’s what what you do in space.

At the end of their training, Timor presented each member of the family with a certificate that said.

Diploma of Moscow International Academy of Space Tourism.
Space Tourist. First Class.

And the next day they flew to the desert of Kazakhstan which, although it is a long way south of Moscow, is still cold and snowy in winter.

Jeremy and Jemima looked out of their hotel window towards the brand new space shuttle that stood on the launch pad pointing straight up to the gray clouds. It was the first of its kind, the jumbo-jet of space craft, especially designed to carry tourists out of the world’s atmosphere. The words “Holidays in Space” were written in English and Russian letters down its sides.

Jemima said. “I wish they hadn’t given us a room overlooking that thing. It makes me want to go home,”

And Jeremy said:

“I’m scared too. But we’ve got no choice. Dad’s determined to go.”

Upstairs Mum and Dad were also looking out of the window towards the shuttle. Dad was saying:

“It’s funny. I dreamed of this all my life. And now I see that space craft on the runway, I’m wondering, should I be taking this risk with kids?”

And Mum said:

“We can’t pull out now. It would be too embarrassing.”

And on the top floor , Jeff was looking out at the space ship, and saying to himself.

“Oh, oh my…. I hope that contraption is space-worthy and totally safe. If anything happens to them, I’ll never forgive myself.”

Just after dawn, a battered old bus took the family over the slushy runway to the shuttle. They wore their space suits and carried their helmets under their arms. Underneath their spacesuits they wore wooly vests and long johns, because it’s cold in space. And underneath those, they wore special diapers or nappies for space travelers because – well I won’t explain that – but let’s just say they had a long flight ahead before they reached the space hotel.

Uncle Jeff was waiting for them next to the steps up into the shuttle. He hugged each of his relatives in turn, giving his brother the last and longest hug:

“Hey kiddo,” he said. “May the force be with you !”

Sergei, the space travel tycoon, was there too. They all got a kiss on both cheeks from the billionaire. Apparently that was a Russian tradition.

The three crew members were the first to climb up the the ladder to the door of the space craft, and the the family followed. Jemima was last up, and she turned and waved to the television cameras and gave them a happy mile.

Inside, the the space tourists lay down on their seats with their knees bent towards them, as they had been taught. The illuminated signs above their positions read;

“Fasten Seat Belts. Switch off Mobile Phones. No smoking.”

They slotted their safety buckles into place.

Jeremy looked at Jemima, and Jemima looked at Jeremy. Inside their helmets they could hear the chattering of voices from Mission Control, but they couldn’t understand a word because it was all in Russian. Jeremy and Jemima could talk to each other over the radio, but they had to compete with the background babble which was quite confusing. Jeremy said:

“Jeremy to Jemima. Thanks for being a good sister. I mean, if this space- doohickey blows up or something, I want you to know that you were okay really. “

“Jemima to Jeremy,” replied his sister. “It’s not going to blow up. But thanks for being a good brother – most of the time.”

The Countdown was in Russian and English.

At the end of the countdown there was stillness. The chattering in their ears ceased. It was like the whole world had stopped turning.

And then the rocket blasters pushed off. They were traveling at five miles a second straight up. They all felt their stomachs go heave-ho. “I’m not going to be sick, I”m not going to be sick,” said Jeremy. And he was glad that he hadn’t eaten pancakes for breakfast.

The ship shook and shuddered so much that Jeremy could hear his bones rattling – in fact the Wright brothers probably enjoyed a smoother flight when they took off in the first airplane in 1903.

The view through the window turned gray with cloud but soon the view became blue, then purple, and at last black. It had taken them six minutes to reach space.

The rockets stopped firing. The ship stopped shaking. There was silence. A deep, awesome, silence.

Jeremy was the first to see that the seatbelt sign had been turned off. He pressed the red button to release himself, and he cart-wheeled out of his seat. He flew straight into the wall, but it didn’t matter because it was covered with soft padding.

Dad followed him. They were both floating in total weightlessness. And then the oxygen sign came on which meant they could take their helmets off.

“Wow this amazing” exclaimed Jeremy as Jemima shot past him, flaying her arms around like a baby sea gull learning to fly.

Mum was floating on her back like she was resting on the warm calm sea that she had dreamed of for her holiday.

“I think”, said Mum, “That a baby must feel like this insider the mother’s womb.”

The most remarkable part was yet to come. “Hey look at this! “ called Jemima. She was pressing her face against one of the portholes.

She was looking at the top of the world. A translucent blue curve. And beyond it, all infinity. They were all quiet, lost for words, until Jeremy said:

“Hey, Look there’s Santa,” ..

“Where?” asked Jemima.

“…… Caught you…. just kidding.”

And then they were silent again for a while, until Dad said:

“You wouldn’t think there were any problems down there. Like Mr. Jones is late for work and Johnny’s stuck on his home work,”

And the whole family knew that they would always have a special bond. Not just because they were family, but because they had shared experience this together, and had seen Planet Earth from the outside, and felt the harmony of the universe.

The journey took another two days before they caught up with the space hotel in its orbit around earth. Their shuttle docked with the larger ship on Christmas Eve. The family floated into their hotel through connecting hatches. There was music playing in the reception area. It was Jingle Bells.

The butler was a robot called Fred who wore a Santa Clause hat. He introduced them to the luxuries of their new home. Their floating sleeping bags were more comfortable than the best mattresses, and they would sleep like birds on the wing. The water in the shower floated upwards. The space toilet was a slightly different model from the one which they had trained on, but if they got confused they could consult the instruction manual. The refrigerator had every type of drink, but it didn’t matter if they wanted water or champaign, they still had to drink it through a straw. They should use the rowing machine every day, because your muscles can go flabby in space if you aren’t careful. For a special relaxation, the butler could give them a foot massage, or they could climb into the aromatherapy capsule. They could use the free wifi to check their emails, cruise the net or even to watch TV.

But actually, the coolest thing you could do was to look out of the big window to stare into infinite space. Dad asked Fred to move the Christmas tree because it was blocking part of the view.

For christmas lunch, they strapped themselves to the table so that the wouldn’t float up to the ceiling Fred brought round the Turkey sandwiches and the Christmas pudding. They pulled Christmas crackers and read jokes like:

I only work when I’m fired, what am I?

A rocket.

And

What kind of astronaut can jump higher than a house?

Any kind. A house can’t jump.

And they laughed even more than they would have done at home.

And then they went up to the bridge to look out at the blue planet called Earth.

“Isn’t it just like a new born baby?” said Mum. “It’s so beautiful, so perfect, so fragile. It’s a
miracle.”

And Dad said : “Happy Christmas Darling” and he kissed Mum.

And Jemima said:

“I wish we could take something back for Uncle Jeff. Like a piece of moon rock or something.”

And they all remembered how their Wicked Uncle had given them this amazing Christmas present, and mum admitted:

“For the first time ever, I”m truly sorry that Jeff isn’t with us. It was so kind of him to give up his place on the shuttle for us.”

Their watches were still set to Greenwich Mean Time. Dad noticed that it was almost three o’ clock in London.

“Come on he,” said. “We can’t miss the Queen just because we’re 280 miles above the Buckingham Palace. Let’s fire up the internet.”

A few minutes later, they were all gathered around a screen watching the Queen , just as they watched her at home every Christmas Day.

Her Majesty wore reading spectacles and said: “At this time of peace and goodwill, our thoughts turn to children all over the world”

“Hey, and don’t forget us kids up here in space !” said Jeremy.

When the Queen had finished her Christmas message, Dad wanted to take take “a quick snoop at headlines”. And he picked up the keyboard and switched the screen over to Google News.

“I wouldn’t bother. Nothing ever happens at Christmas,” advised Mum.

“You’re right,” said Dad, “It all looks reassuringly boring down there…. but that’s funny. There’s a news story here that says “Family Stuck in Space”…. Is there another family up here?”

“Here let me see that,” exclaimed mum in a panicky voice.

The news story – and the 4032 other similar stories on Google News – was about the Crusoe family from Walton Upon Thames, England. There was only one Crusoe family in orbit around the Earth that Christmas. And they were that family. Mum read on.

The Crusoe Family may be spending rather longer in space than they bargained for. The shuttle that was due to bring them back to Earth has failed safety tests. Inspectors from the International Federation for space Travel declared it unsafe to fly after a cleaner noticed that a vital life support system had been fastened to the outside of the craft with masking tape. A spokesman for the Russian Travel company, Holidays in Space, said

“The Crusoes have enough dried food, water and oxygen to last them another year in orbit. Even if they are celebrating next year’s Christmas in space, they will be ok.”

Mr. Crusoe’s brother, Jeff Crusoe, who is currently in Moscow, said:

“I am working night and day to get the family back down on Earth where they belong.”

When she had finished reading the article Mum said:

“I should have trusted my first instinct. As soon as Jeff said he had got Christmas “sorted” I felt something terrible was going to happen. But I allowed your brother to sweet talk me into this insane space escapade.”

Dad didn’t say anything. He just stared at the Earth and wondered if they would ever see their house in Walton upon Thames close up again.

“Next Christmas….” said Jeremy, “That seems like an awfully long time before we get back home”.

“If we ever get down at all ,” said Jemima, who looked more shocked than any of them.

Mum inspected the larder. She found powdered strawberry moose, powdered milk, powdered chicken broth, powdered lamb curry, and powdered just about any food you could think of.

“It’s back to the 1970s,” said Dad. “That’s what Jeff and I lived on when we were growing up.”

“Don’t talk to me about Jeff,” said Mum.

The week between Christmas and New year passed quietly. Jemima drew maps of the constellations. Jeremy played computer games. Dad practiced virtual reality golf swings, and Mum read War and Peace, which she had always wanted to do, but had never found the time. In fact it would have been a deeply relaxing holiday – if it wasn’t for the fact that they all knew that they were Stuck in Space.

The news did not improve.

“Holiday Space Company Tottering on the Brink…” read Dad on the internet. The millionaires who had booked holidays in the space hotel were canceling one after the other. The company was in danger of going bankrupt. And if that happened, the Crusoe Family might be stuck in space FOR EVER!”

”Like, we’ll just go round the Earth until the End of Time….?” asked Jemima.

“We’ll have to get down to Earth sooner than that ,” said Mum. “Because I’ve sworn a solemn oath to smack your Uncle Jeff around the chops. What was he thinking of, sending us up here? He’s the most irresponsible uncle in the entire world, sorry, in the entire universe “ she said with a gesture towards the universe itself, stretched out just beyond the window.

And then she froze. “Oh my…” she said… “Oh my stars. I’m hallucinating. Or can you see what I can see….”

“I think I can,” said Jeremy.

“Well if you can see Uncle Jeff taking a space walk just outside our window, then your having the same hallucination that I’m having,” said Mum.

“I think we are,” said Dad.

Fifteen minutes later they heard a metallic clunk as the space shuttled docked with the hotel. First Uncle Jeff, and then Sergei, the owner of the travel company, floated into the reception area. Fred the Robot Butler said:

“Welcome to the Space Hotel. The management of Holidays in Space wishes you a happy and comfortable stay .:

“Hey kids, how do you like it up here?” boomed Uncle Jeff.

“Wicked,” said Jeremy. “But it would be nice to get down some time.”

“And very soon you shall,” said Jeff.

An hour later the family were strapped into their seats in the space shuttle The decent
to the desert of Kazakhstan took just thirty minutes, but the inside of the shuttle was as hot as sauna on the way down. They landed on the runway with two or three bumps, but no real trouble.

When they climbed down the ladder onto the tarmac, Jeremy looked up at the sky and said:

“Uncle Jeff’s up there somewhere.”

“Yes,” said Jemima. “He got his space trip after all”

You see, after all the millionaires cancelled their Holidays in Space, the only people confident enough to fly in the shuttle were Sergei and Uncle Jeff. According to Sergei, there was nothing much wrong with the shuttle from the safety point of view. It just needed some routine maintenance after its first trip. The story about the masking tape had been spread by a rival company and wasn’t true at all. But the only way to prove that it was true was to make the trip himself. And the only other person who had enough faith to go with him, was Uncle Jeff. And in one week’s time, the shuttle would return to pick them up again and bring them back to Earth.

And that’s the story of how Jeremy and Jemima, Mum and Dad, and Uncle Jeff spent their Christmas Holiday in space.

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This is a story about luck, or chance or fate. Some people believe that everything happens is set in the stars at the dawn of time and some people believe everything happens chaotically and at random, and other people believe that we are totally in charge of our own fate. And most of us, well we’re not quite sure what to believe. Perhaps this story will help you make up your mind.

Re-introducing Wicked Uncle Jeff (who is not so wicked at all) and the family of Mum, Dad, Jeremy and Jemima.

Read by Natasha. Story by Bertie. Duration 20.40.

It was Friday morning, and Mum had just managed to pack the kids off to school. But this Friday, Mum had a busy schedule ahead of her – because she didn’t just look after the children, she also worked from home. Her job was cooking for special occasions, like weddings and birthdays and parties. She made cakes and tarts, dainty sandwiches, little nibbles, and all sorts of tasty things on cocktail sticks, and then she packed them all up, put them in the back of the car, and drove them off to the event. Today she had to deliver a feast of snacks to an office leaving-do by 5. p.m. But before she picked up her electric whisk, she thought that she deserved a little time to herself with a cup of tea, a pastry, and the newspaper. As she glanced over the news headlines she thought to herself,

“Oh dear. Sometimes it seems like the only things that ever happen in the world are wars,disasters, and celebrity divorces. And the weather forecast isn’t much better…..”

But one article caught her eye. She couldn’t miss it really, because there was a photograph of Dad’s brother, Jeff, whom the family liked to called The Wicked Uncle because he was totally irresponsible. He never had a proper job, or settled down with a family, and yet he owned several houses and even more cars, boats and motorcycles.

In the picture, he was smartly dressed for the horse races known as Royal Ascot, and at his side was his latest girl-friend, tall, blond, and beautiful, and wearing a ludicrous pink hat. The article said that he was sharing a box at the races with a Russian tycoon whom he had met by chance on a yacht.

Mum sighed. “Some people have all the luck. Jeff seems to live a charmed life. …. why can’t we share just a little bit of his good fortune? I know. I’ll see what my horoscope says…. it’s always fun to know in advance what sort of a day your going to have. ”

Mum’s star sign was Libra, which was supposed to mean she was very fair and even minded. In fact, Mum thought that her star sign gave a very accurate picture of her character. The stars seemed to describe all her family. Dad was a Taurus, which meant that he was stubborn, and that was certainly true, And Jeremy was Leo the lion, which meant that he was cut out to be a great leader, and Jemima was Aquarius, the water sign, which explained why she was so good at swimming. The truth was that really she believed in horoscopes. so as soon as she had finished reading today’s, she immediately wished that she hadn’t. It said:

“The best thing you could do today, is to stay in bed. All the stars and planets are opposed to you. Mars is waging war on you, Sagittarius the archer s firing her arrows at you, Venus has deserted you, and Taurus the bull is charging you with its horns. Quite frankly, even staying in bed isn’t a fully safe option. Better hide UNDER the bed and stay there until after the weekend.”

Mum stood up crossly and tossed the newspaper in the peddle bin. “That’s ridiculous. I can’t hide under the bed. There isn’t room!… “ she exclaimed “Oh my stars ! What a day this is shaping up to be. But I’ll just have to struggle on and cook those nibbles even if all the forces of the universe are working against me.”

And all day Mum was very careful not to cut herself with a kitchen knife, not to drop a weight on her foot, and not to leave the kitchen while anything was cooking in case a fire started. But even so, everything seemed ten times more difficult than usual. She ran out of casting sugar, she burned her quiche, and she put too much mustard powder in the french dressing. And then, to top it all, she tripped over Rudy – he was the cat – and dropped her egg whites all over the floor. Rudy started to lick up the goo.

“A black cat,” thought Mum, “Get out of here you,” she screamed. “You’re nothing but Bad Luck !”

While Mum was bravely overcoming every obstacle that cruel fate threw in her way, Dad was also having one of those days. He was stuck in the mother of all traffic jams. There had been an accident on the fly-over, and the police were investigating. They were painstakingly picking up every fragment of glass, labelling it, and putting each one into its own separate plastic bag. And to make matter worse, Dad was desperate to go to the loo. As he sat at his wheel fuming and sweating, he called the office to give them an update. A policeman tapped on his window.

“Excuse me sir, don’t you know there’s a law against using your mobile phone while driving? And by while we are about it, your front wheel is on the yellow grid. You can’t stop here. You’re blocking the traffic. That will be two fines in one. ”

And Dad had to get out of the car, show his driving license, and answer all sorts of questions while four policemen examined his tires and searched his boot for lethal weapons.

It was half past one before Dad arrived at work.

“That makes sense,” he thought as he turned on his computer. “It’s Friday the 13th. .I should have called in sick.”

But Friday the 13th, which is supposed to be an unlucky day, had been just fine for Jeremy and Jemima at school. Jemima had a swimming lesson – which she loved – and Jeremy was just glad because it was end of the week, and on Saturday he would be playing football. When they got home though, they found that Mum was frantically searching for her car keys.

“I’m having a bit of day,” she said ,sounding like she was having a nervous breakdown. Jemima knew it would be best to stay out of Mum’s way. Even Rudy was hiding in the coat cupboard. But Jeremy asked:

“Have you looked in the kitchen drawer?”

“Oh course I have. Do you think I’m stupid or what?” snapped back Mum.

But Jeremy opened the drawer, which was where they usually kept the keys, and lo and behold, that was where they were. Mum mumbled thanks and grabbed some trays to take out and load into the car.

“Don’t just stand there, help me” she yelled the kids. “And mind you don’t drop anything. That would be all I need right now!”

Ten minutes later, Mum was gone, and Jeremy went up to his room to program his website while Jemima went to tell Rudy that it was safe to come out of the cupboard now. Then Jemima went upstairs to put the finishing touches to her school project all about Queen Cleopatra of Egypt.

When Mum got home she kicked off her shoes, put her feet on the sofa and said:

“What a day. Thank goodness it’s over !”

But it wasn’t. Ten minutes later the phone rang, and an angry voice asked where was the food for the party.

“But I just delivered it,” protested Mum.

“Not to here you didn’t,” exclaimed the voice.

And after quite a bit of arguing, Mum realised that she must have delivered the food to the wrong office. Some greedy office workers had accepted her snacks and were now celebrating the end of the week with a free feast ! While the real party was going without any food. Mum had wasted her time and money, and at the end of it all, she had lost a customer.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, Dad arrived home looking looking totally fed up. He had left the office early because he was feeling ill, but on the way back, smoke started rising from the bonnet of his car. The breakdown van toed it away to the garage, and he came home by bus.

“I don’t think I can keep on at this job,” he said. “Ever since the office moved, I spend all my time getting there and back. “

And to top it all, Rudy the cat was sick Not just sick but had diarrhea – and not in any old place, like out in the garden or on the kitchen floor but in Jemima’s bedroom, and not just in Jemima’s bedroom, but all over her project on Queen Cleopatra.

There was a terrible scream from the top of the house

“Oh my goodnes, what’s happened !” exclaimed Mum.

And then it was followed by a long heart-felt wail….. “My Project !!!!!!!!”

Poor Jemima. She had worked so hard on her project. And now she was going to have to spend the whole weekend doing it all again. And she would have to miss her ballet class on Saturday and her swimming lesson on Sunday.

But at least Jeremy was ok. Nothing had happened to him. He was happily working on his computer until way too late. When Mum came to wish Jemima goodnight, she was sitting on her bed hugging a big bear that she had loved when she was little and looking very sad.

“Mum,” she asked. “Do you think our family’s cursed? I mean, we always seem to have bad luck.

“Don’t be silly,” said Mum. “We just had a bad day. There’s no such thing as a curse or bad luck. Things just happen sometimes, that’s all. ”

But Mum didn’t sound at all convincing. You see, she did believe in bad luck. And in the morning, when Dad slipped on some sick the cat had made in the night, and landed in a heap on the kitchen floor, she couldn’t hide her true feelings any more.

‘Listen kids,” she said as she helped a badly shaken Dad up to his feet, “I know this sounds a bit spooky, but we had all better be extra careful this weekend. My horoscope says that lots of bad things are going to happen, and judging by the last 24 hours, it’s coming all too true.”

And that really scared Jemima. “Mum, do you think like, anything really really bad could happen? Like, could we die?”

And Jeremy thought that was absolutely hilarious. He was still laughing about it as Dad drove him to the soccer fields.

He was the goal keeper and he knew that saving the ball required loads of skill just a few drops of good luck. Fortunately his luck seemed to be in. The other side had a some great shots at goal, but Jeremy leapt, stretched and dived and kept the ball from crossing the line. The score was nil – nil until, ten minutes before the final whistle, his team’s defender tripped up the other side’s striker. The referee blew his whistle and pointed to the penalty spot.

The centre forward was about to take the penalty. He placed the ball on the spot and considered the goal. Jeremy reckoned that he was eying up the top left corner of the posts. His opponent ran up and struck the ball cleanly with his boot. Jeremy sprang through the air like a ballet dancer and just reached the ball with his little finger. As he landed on the muddy ground he knew that he was the hero of the match, but oh, his little finger was hurting. The ball had bent it back.

An hour later the phone rang at home. Jemima picked it up, before calling out:

“Mum…. it’s the hospital, Jeremy’s in Accident and Emergency.”

Mum prepared herself for the worst. She picked up the phone as bravely as she could and she had to ask the nurse to repeat what had happened three times before she understood that her son had probably broken his little finger, that his football trainer had to leave, and that somebody should come wait with Jeremy until he had an xray.

“Yes, I’ll come right away,” said Mum. She went to the drawer to look for her keys, but they weren’t there.

“Don’t you remember,” said Jemima. “Dad’s car is broken-down, so he took yours to his golf match…. .but you do you what? Uncle Jeff lives not far from the hospital, maybe he could go and wait with Jeremy.”

“Oh I expect he’s away on one of his exotic holidays, “ said Mum, “You know Uncle Jeff, he spends his weekends scuba diving or trekking in the himalayas. “

But in fact Uncle Jeff was having a quiet weekend at home for once, and when Mum called, he said he would be only too pleased to help out, and besides, it would be an opportunity to catch up with his nephew and have a good chat while they waited.

And by the time Uncle Jeff got to the hospital, Jeremy had already had his xray, and a splint was holding together two fingers on his left hand.

“Good job your trigger finger’s still in tact,” said Uncle Jeff. “Come on, let’s go clay pigeon shooting. I reckon we’ve safely got two hours while your Mum thinks you’re still waiting at the hospital.”

“Wow!” said Jeremy. “You bet !”

But back at home, Jemima and Mum had yet more anxiety. Rudy was still sick and didn’t want to come out of the coat cupboard. They both wished that they had taken him to the vet that morning – but now it was Saturday afternoon, and they would have to wait until Monday.

“This has to be the most unlucky weekend any family ever had” said Jemima.

But Jeremy came back looking pleased with himself. After all, he was the hero of the match, and though he didn’t let on to Mum about it, he had a great time clay pigeon shooting.

When uncle Jeff heard about Rudy he said: “Don’t worry. I know a woman who can do wonders for any cat. She has healing hands.”

And although Mum didn’t have much faith in Uncle Jeff’s cat-healing friend, she was willing to give anything a try. So Jeff took poor Rudy off in his basket and Jemima went with him. They returned that later with a very well and satisfied looking cat.

“That’s a miracle. What did she do?” asked Mum.

And Jemima explained:

“She said that he was suffering from stress and all he needed to do was to chill out. So she gave him a massage for an hour, and he was purring away in cat-heaven – and look – now he’s completely better.”

“Well ,well, “ said Mum. “Jeff seems to have an easy answer to every problem.”

Mum asked Uncle Jeff to stay for supper and he said that he would be delighted to eat some proper home cooking. She made her special cottage pie with steamed vegetables that she had grown in the garden and while they were eating, Jemima asked:

“Uncle Jeff. Why are you so much luckier than we are? I mean, like, you’re Dad’s brother. But everything always seems to turn our right for you, and Dad, well, he just doesn’t seem to have any luck at all.”

Dad gave his daughter an annoyed stare, but he couldn’t protest as his mouth was full of cottage pie. Jeff saw this and smiled affectionately at his brother

“Well first of all, I don’t think I’m luckier than your Dad. Not one bit. He has a beautiful family, and I just have strings of girl-friends. In many ways, I’m quite envious of his steady life. And secondly, luck is just all about how you see things. Everything that’s happened to you this weekend could be seen as bad luck, but if you look at it differently, it could also be seen as good luck.”

“Good luck? “ exclaimed Mum. “What’s been good about anything that’s happened yesterday or today?

“Well lots of things,” said Jeff. “For instance, you delivered your party snacks to the wrong address. You lost a customer – but I’m willing to bet that the other office food were very impressed by your delicious cooking. And probably they are feeling just a bit guilty about eating your food for free. So I see that as an opportunity. They are your next customer, and perhaps they will be a bigger and better customer.”

“And then Dad’s having trouble getting to work since his office moved. So why doesn’t he suggest to them that he works from home? Anyone can work from home these days, and it’s a much better lifestyle.”

“What? Have him at home all day. I’m not so sure about that idea,” said Mum.

But Jeff went on. And as for Jemima. Yes, her project was ruined, but that gave her a chance to do it again, and do it even better. And even Rudy being sick was good luck for him, because he scored an enjoyable cat massage. As for Jeremy, yes he broke his finger, but he saved the match, and breaking his finger to do it made him even more of a hero in the eyes of his mates. And to finally all this has been a wonderful opportunity for a family get together – which is something we don’t do often enough.”

“So actually Jemima, “ said Uncle Jeff, “I don’t especially have any good luck. In fact, I’m always getting into all sorts of trouble and scrapes. You lead a much more steady life, and in some ways, I’m quite envious of you. But I believe that the whole trick is not to see our little problems as bad luck, but to see them as opportunities. “

And although Mum didn’t entirely see things the way Uncle Jeff did, she now understood the secret of how he seemed to be always followed around by good luck.

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The first time we met Jeremy and Jemima’s Wicked Uncle Jeff we discovered that he not so much “wicked” as “irresponsible. Mum Dad decided that it would be better if he did not look after the children again. But when Dad forgot to book a holiday, the family went to stay with Uncle Jeff in his house by the sea. A little oversight by Jeff led to the children getting into heaps of trouble – and the their uncle getting into even more.

The character of the Wicked Uncle was inspired by our friends at the Wicked Uncle website

Read by Natasha. Duration 21.46. An original story by Bertie.

It was summer. Everyone was going away on holiday. Everyone, that is, except for Jeremy, Jemima and their parents. You see, Dad hadn’t booked a trip this year because he couldn’t decide where to go. Europe was so expensive. America was so far away. India was so hot. Oh dear. He couldn’t think of the perfect place that would be just right.

School had already broken up for the long vacation. The kids were growing bored. Mum was becoming irritable. And Dad was still studying the travel pages of the newspapers.

“Well there’s always England, ” Mum said one Sunday morning in July.

“England….” repeated Dad … as though he had never heard of the place, although he had lived their all his life. And then he added: “Doesn’t it always rain in England?”

At this mum lost her patience: “Well look out of the window? Does it seem like it’s raining to you?” she snapped. Because you see ,it had been hot and sunny every day for a month.

And Jeremy pleaded: “Dad we must go on holiday. We can’t stay in this dump all summer long.”

And Jemima began to sing:

“I do love to be beside the seaside. I do love to be beside the sea.”

Dad shook his head and muttered that it was probably too late to go on holiday to the English seaside, because everywhere would be booked up by now.

But Jeremy had an idea.

“I know. Uncle Jeff’s got a holiday house by the sea. Let’s go and stay with Uncle Jeff? Can we please ?”

“Oh NO! said mum. “Not with Uncle Jeff.”

And the thought of staying with his brother was enough to make Dad go up stares to his study and scour the internet for holiday cottages by the sea Unfortunately he was right. It was too late. Everything was booked up.

On the first of August, the tires of dad’s big blue estate car crunched up the driveway of Uncle Jeff’s country house by the sea.

“Wow” said Jeremy. “This isn’t a house. It’s a castle!”

“Don’t be silly, Jeremy,” said Jemima. “In the old days big houses had turrets to look nice, not because they were real castles.”

And although Uncle Jeff’s house wasn’t quite a castle, it was certainly large. His sports car was parked in front of the house. He kept a boat on a trailer in the garage And he had a few sheep to nibble the grass on the lawn. If you went round the back of the house, you could see the sea. And a rather noisy family of sea gulls was living in the turret that had so impressed Jeremy.

As the family clambered out of the car, Jeremy asked : “Dad why is Uncle Jeff so much richer than you? And Dad looked cross and muttered something about ill gotten gains.

And by then, the “The Wicked Uncle” himself – was standing on the steps leading up to the front door and calling out:

“Hello Gang !”

The kids both waved and called back “Hello Uncle Jeff !” but Dad couldn’t have looked more annoyed if a sea gull had just pooed on his head.

Uncle Jeff’s housekeeper showed the family to their rooms and then they all came down to the dining room for tea and scones.

Mum asked: “Well kids, what do you want do this holiday?” and Jeremy and Jemima chorused “Go to the beach !”

But Dad looked a bit fed up because he thought the beach was boring.

“I”ll tell you what,” said Uncle Jeff. “I’ll take the kids to the beach so that Mum and Dad can have some time together. They can take a lovely walk along the cliffs to the next village where there’s a great old pub. ”

And although Dad thought that the walk along the cliffs to the old pub did sound rather nice, he said: “It’s alright Jeff. We’ll look after the kids”.

Jeremy and Jemima loved everything to do with the beach: Digging sandcastles, eating ice cream, playing volleyball, diving into the waves, and snoozing in the sun. Mum and Dad both wore big floppy hats, put on sun cream, and read big fat paper back books.

In the evenings they went into town and walked along the water front where they bought fish and ships. The town was an old port built on the mouth of a wide river leading out to sea. There was always something interesting to look at, as the water was always busy with yachts and fishing boats, and the car ferry sailing to and fro.

On Thursday evening there was something rather different to look at. A sleek white yacht the size of a ship had pulled into port. It was so big that it made the other yachts look like toys. Everyone was impressed, and none less than Jeremy.

“I bet its owner is even richer than Uncle Jeff,” he said.

“Yes, I wonder who owns it,” said Mum.

And later that evening, when they asked Uncle Jeff about the yacht, he promised to speak to his his friend who new all the gossip about the port.

The routine of beach during the day and stroll during the evening continued, but when Dad had read to the end of his book, he began to think how nice it would be to take that walk along the cliffs to the pub. And when he mentioned the idea to Mum, even she said:

“Yes it would be nice to have a break from the kids.”

Dad pondered: “I don’t suppose they could come to any harm on the beach with Uncle Jeff”

And mum agreed:

“No I don’t suppose they could.”

The next day they gave Uncle Jeff his instructions for looking after the kids. They must wear hats and sun lotion. They mustn’t swim too far out to sea. They mustn’t have more than one ice cream each. They mustn’t shriek and make too much noise. And Jeff said:

“Right-oh. Got ya.”

Which didn’t make mum feel at all reassured.

But Uncle Jeff did make sure that the kids wore hats and sun lotion. And he only them bought two ice creams each. And for a while, he did watch them while they were swimming. He even bought them a little inflatable boat, so that they could have some fun floating on it and jumping on and off into the waves.

But the thing that made the day more interesting than other days on the beach was that the Russian yacht had moved. It was sitting anchored out at sea not that far away from the beach. When a helicopter took off from the deck, Jeff took out his binoculars and let Jeremy look through them.

“Wow that’s amazing” said Jeremy.

Uncle Jeff said that the owner of the ship was called Sergei Manovich and that he was one of the richest men in Russia – in fact he was richer than some countries.

“Wow he must be really wicked,” said Jeremy. And Uncle Jeff agreed that he probably was.

Uncle Jeff watched the kids play all morning, but in the afternoon he decided that it would probably be alright if he allowed himself a short nap. “After all, they are good kids really,” he said to himself. “And they can’t come to much harm on the beach.”

Jeremy and Jemima were playing Pirates with the little boat. At first they didn’t go more than a few yards from the beach, but gradually the waves and their game took them a little further out. They were still among the swimmers and the wind surfers, but Jemima said:

“Jeremy : I think we ought to go back in,” and they both leant over the boat and started to paddle with their hands. But instead of returning to the beach, the current pulled them further out. First Jemima and then Jeremy started to wave and call out “Uncle Jeff! Uncle Jeff!” but he was fast asleep and didn’t see or hear them.

Soon they were really quite a long way out. “Oh no. I think we are in trouble,” said Jemima. And even Jeremy felt frightened.

They were so far out now that they were closer to the Russian ship than the shore. Jemima could see a sailor on the deck as he leant against the side and watched the beach. She waved frantically to him and called “Help Help” and after a while the sailor waved back.

“He thinks your just saying hello” said Jeremy. But fortunately the sailor was smarter than that, because very soon after the yacht started lower a life raft down the side. “Thank Goodness, We’re saved” said Jemima. But when Jeremy and Jemima stood up in their little boat, it tipped over and both of them fell into the sea. A sailor dived off the life raft and swam over to help them. It was a bit of a struggle, but both children were hauled spluttering and shaking up onto the raft. One of the sailors said in a foreign accent:

“Well kids. Would you like a ride back to the beach, or would you like to see on board our ship first?”

Jemima said: “Back to the beach please”.

But Jeremy said: “Oh can we see the ship? Please please can we see the ship”.

Back on the beach, Uncle Jeff sat up slowly and scanned the shore for a sight of the children. He couldn’t see them anywhere, but he said to himself:

“I expect they’ve gone to buy another ice cream.” Then he rummaged in his bag and took out his binoculars to another look at the Russian yacht. He noticed a life boat being winched up the side. He focused in closer and saw two small children in the boat.

“Funny. They look a bit like Jeremy and Jemima,” he said to himself. And then he noticed their little dingy capsized near by. “They are Jeremy and Jemima” he said. “Oh no. I’m going to be in a heap of trouble for this.”

And he ran down to the sea and started to swim out towards the yacht as fast as he could. He was a powerful swimmer, and he soon reached the yacht. He started to climb up the anchor chain. This was no easy thing to do, but Jeff was no ordinary uncle.

On board the ship, two young ladies wearing sun glasses, hats, and bikinis took charge of Jeremy and Jemima. They showed them the swimming pool, the gymnasium, the beauty salon, the cinema, and the helicopter pad.

“It’s like a floating palace,” said Jeremy. And one of the women said, “Yes, it is exactly like a palace.”

“Excuse me. Are you Russian?” asked Jemima.

The lady whose name was Chiara laughed and saidL “No. I am from Italy and my friend Julia is from Brazil, but the owner is Russian and the crew are from Ukraine.”

And at about that same time, at the other end of the ship, two Ukrainian sailors were amazed to find Uncle Jeff clambering on board from the top of the anchor chain.

“Hi. I’m looking for my niece and nephew,” said Uncle Jeff, as he jumped onto the deck. But the sailors did not understand him. Instead, they tried to grab hold of him.

“Oi. That’s not a nice welcome,” said Uncle Jeff and threw a punch at one of the sailors. This was a rather silly thing to do. The second sailor hit over the head with something heavy and Uncle Jeff fell unconscious on the deck. The sailors dragged him down into the hold and locked him inside a sea container.

Jeremy and Jemima were sitting by the swimming pool and sipping milk shakes. “I think we should go back to the beach now if you don’t mind,” said Jemima. “Our Uncle Jeff will be worried about us.” And Chiara said, “Yes I will go and ask the sailors who rescued you,” and she went off to look for them.

Up in the bridge of the ship, the two sailors who had found Uncle Jeff reported to the captain.

“So we have a British spy, ” said the captain. “We shall put out to sea and get rid of him before the boss gets back.”

Soon after that, Jeremy and Jemima noticed that the ship was starting to move. Jemima ran up to a sailor and said “You can’t go out to sea. You’ve got to take us back to the beach first.” But the sailor didn’t understand what she was saying, and besides, he was busy.

Jeremy ran off to look for Chiara and Julia, but he couldn’t find them anywhere. Eventually he bumped into Jemima who was also looking for help.

“Oh no,” she said. “I think we’ve been kidnapped.

“Perhaps they are going to take us to Russia,” Jeremy said sadly.

But the ship did not go very far out to sea before it stopped and weighed anchor again. A group of sailors gathered on the deck and two of them held a long piece of wood. They started to tie it to the railing so that it stuck out over the edge of the boat. It was a bridge to nowhere.

When Jeremy saw this, he grew very frightened. “Do you know what?” he said. “They are pirates. And I think they are going to make us walk the plank.”

“Don’t be so silly,” said Jemima. “Why would they want do do that?” But Jeremy whispered,

” Hide !” and both of them slipped inside the door to the beauty salon.

Ten minutes later Jeremy cautiously looked out of the porthole to see what was going on. He saw that two sailors were gripping a man by his arms. His hands were tied behind his back. They were dragging him towards the plank.

“Jemima. Come and see this,” said Jeremy. “They’ve got a prisoner and they are going to make him walk the plank.:

“Oh stop being stupid,” said Jemima, But she was curious enough to come to take a look through the porthole.”

“Oh my goodness me!” she said. “That’s Uncle Jeff !”

And both the children rushed out onto the deck.

“Stop ! Stop !” cried Jemima. And Jeremy ran up to Uncle Jeff and threw his arms out to hug his legs.

“Kids, Am I glad to see you,” said Uncle Jeff. ” You won’t believe this. These guys were about to make me walk plank.”

The sailors seemed confused and one of them went to talk to the captain. A little the helicopter landed on the ship and the Russian owner climbed out, bowing his head under the rotor blades.

The sailors seemed confused and one of them went to talk to the captain. A little the helicopter landed on the ship and, Sergei Manovich, the Russian owner, climbed out, bowing his head under the rotor blades. Chiara and Julia were up on the helipad to meet him with kisses and hugs. They pointed to Jeff and the children, and he gave them a friendly wave.

A little later, the children were splashing in the pool. Uncle Jeff was chatting to Sergei while Julia and Chiara sunned themselves. Towards evening, a life boat took the visitors back to the shore.

As they drove back to the house, Uncle Jeff said: “I don’t think we need tell mum and dad about t

his little adventure, do you?” And Jemima said,

“No. And we won’t tell them that you bought us two ice creams either.”nspn

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Mum and Dad are going away for a romantic weekend, and “Wicked” Uncle Jeff is left in charge of the children. The children have homework to do, but Uncle Jeff thinks that is far too boring. He has other ideas, and a misadventure follows.

The idea for this story was inspired by our friends at Wicked Uncle, a website that helps Wicked Uncles remember the birthdays of their nephews and nieces.

Read by Natasha. Duration 16.46.

It was mum and Dad’s Crystal Anniversary, which meant that they had been married for 15 years. To celebrate, Dad was taking Mum away for a long weekend to a secret, romantic location. The children, Jeremy and Jemima, were going to stay with aunty Jane. Only aunty Jane was a bit scatterbrained, and she forgot all about her promise to look after her sister’s children, and she also arranged to go away that weekend. And so she couldn’t look after the kids after all.

“Well I suppose I could ask Jeff,” said Dad.

“Oh no, anybody but Jeff,” said Mum.

But as it turned out, there was nobody else but Jeff to be found at such short notice.

Jeff was Dad’s brother. The children hadn’t seen him since they were very small, and mum called him their “wicked uncle” because he always forgot their birthdays. Sometimes he sent cards and a ten pound note – but always at completely the wrong time of year.

“I bet he is awfully wicked,” said Jemima, “because Mum really really doesn’t like him at all. I think he went to prison”

“Or perhaps he was a pirate?” said Jeremy hopefully.

But when Jemima asked Dad if Uncle Jeff had been to prison, Dad said that No he hadn’t, at least, not as far as he knew. But he didn’t say it like he was surprised she had asked. I mean, if somebody asked you if somebody you knew had been to prison, you might at least try to sound a bit surprised. But Dad didn’t.

Uncle Jeff arrived late on Friday night, and in the morning, when Jeremy looked out of the window he saw a red sports car parked in the drive next to Dad’s big blue estate car. A taxi came very early to pick up Mum and Dad and take them to the airport. Later, Jemima and Jeremy got up and made their own breakfast, but Jeremy didn’t eat his at the kitchen table like he was supposed to. Instead, still in his pajamas, he took toast and jam into the living room and switched on the television.

“You know that Mum doesn’t let us watch TV on Saturday mornings,” said Jemima. “because they only show rubbish.”

“Well mum isn’t here. She’s enjoying a weekend of freedom from the us,” said Jeremy.

“I bet Uncle Jeff will tick you off,” said Jemima.

At about bout ten o’clock, Uncle Jeff came into the living room just as an army of tanks was being destroyed by robots from the Planet Zeeton.

“Bang ! Pehow ! Poook!” said Uncle Jeff, like a lot of guns and explosives going off. Jeremy looked up at him in amazement. Dad never said anything like that.

“Scuse me kids,” said Uncle Jeff. “I need a cup of strong black coffee before I can face the world – Now where’ the kitchen? Oh, I’m your Uncle Jeff by the way,” and he disappeared down the corridor. A little later, he returned and asked, “Well what are we going to do today?”

“Homework,” said Jemima.

And Uncle Jeff said, “Bor-ing. What’s the world coming to? Don’t kids these days get up to any mischief? ”

“Let’s go and buy some computer games” suggested Jeremy.

“Could do,” said Uncle Jeff thoughtfully. “But I had something a bit more outdoors in mind. Come on. Get dressed and I’ll take you on a surprise treat.”

A little later, they all got into Dad’s estate car. Jeremy was supposed to be strapped into a child seat for safety, but he asked cheekily, “Can I drive?” and Uncle Jeff said, “Well alright, but only on the driveway.” Jemima protested that her little brother didn’t know how to drive a car, but Uncle Jeff said that it was never too early to learn, and he let Jeremy sit on his lap and hold the steering wheel. But Just as Jeff was starting the engine, Jeremy moved the gear stick, and the car leapt forward with a great crunching noise. There was a burning smell and smoke started to come out of the bonnet.

“Whoops, there goes the clutch,” said Uncle Jeff. “I don’t think Dennis is going to be too pleased. Perhaps we wont mention this little incident to your dad. We’ll just let him think that your mother broke the car. Well, what shall we do now?”

“Can we go in your sports car?” asked Jeremy?

“Well, so long as I drive,” said Uncle Jeff. And they all got out and went over to Uncle Jeff’s car. It was rather cramped on the back seat, even for the children, and there certainly wasn’t room for Jeremy’s safety seat. He reversed out of the drive at quite a pace, and soon was roaring down their street so that all of their neighbours must have heard them. Then Uncle Jeff turned on some loud music and opened the sun roof. His style of driving was not at all like Dad’s. He zipped in and out of traffic and shot through lights just as they were turning from orange to red. Jemima thought he an irresponsible driver, but she didn’t say anything because that wouldn’t be polite. Jeremy said, “Can we go faster Uncle Jeff?” And Uncle Jeff put his foot on the pedal and they went even faster. He took them out of the town, and down a duel carriage way into the countryside. Eventually he turned up what looked like a farm track. A sign read, “Clay Pigeon Shooting’.

When they stopped and got out of the car, Uncle Jeff opened up the little boot and took a long leather pouch. Jeremy realised that there was a gun inside. “Oh, can I hold it?” he asked. And Uncle Jeff said “Maybe.”

Clay Pigeons aren’t real pigeons, but disks that are shot out of a machine and fly through the air. If you are shooting you try to smash the disk. But it’s extremely difficult to hit a moving target, and requires lots of skill.

Uncle Jeff made sure that Jeremy and Jemima were kitted out with ear protectors because gun-fire is really loud and can make you deaf. They also had to wear goggles in case a bit of clay flew into their eyes.

They stood in a field and when Uncle Jeff called “pull” a clay pigeon flew out of a kind of bunker. Uncle Jeff smoothly followed the target with his gun and squeezed the trigger. There was a loud bang and the smell of gun powder in the air. He missed. But he called out “pull” again and another target flew through the air. This time he hit it and the clay smashed into pieces.

“Can I have a go?, Can I have a go?” begged Jeremy.

And Uncle Jeff showed him how to hold the shotgun broken open at the middle so that it couldn’t go off by accident. And then he showed him how to hold it in firing position so that its kick wouldn’t hurt his shoulder. The shot gun was almost as big as Jeremy, but he thought that holding it was the coolest thing ever.

“Pull” he shouted, and a pigeon flew through the air. He followed it and squeezed the trigger. The gun went “Boom” and it jumped as if it had a life of its own. Jeremy missed by a mile. But he was very excited, and as soon as Uncle jeff had loaded a new cartridge into the barrel, he called “Pull” again and another pigeon flew through the air and he missed one more time. In fact, however many times he tried, Jeremy couldn’t hit the target.

And then Jemima had a go. And do you know what? She was really good at shooting. She smashed the target about four or five times.

Even Uncle Jeff was impressed, “Better than doing homework, eh?” he said as they squished back into his car. Jeremy and Jemima thanked their uncle for their treat.

“It was really wicked,” said Jeremy.

“Well it was fun.” said Jemima. “But I don’t think you should have taken us clay pigeon shooting without asking mum first.”

“How Do you know I didn’t her?” said Uncle Jeff.

“Because she would almost certainly have have said ‘no’” said Jemima. “And by the way, please drive more slowly and carefully. There are children in the back you are the responsible adult.”

Uncle Jeff slowed down and promised to drive carefully. And Jemima felt better because she realised that safety was even more important than being polite or worrying about causing offense.

When they got back to town, Uncle Jeff took them to a Turkish Kebab restaurant for lunch, and Jeremy tried hot chili sauce which burned his mouth. He had to eat loads of ice cream afterwards to cool off.

But when they got back to the house, Uncle Jeff searched in vein through his pockets for the front door key. And then he realized that he must have got it mixed up with his own from home. They were locked out.

“Is there a way in the back?” he asked. And they tried the side gate and found that it was open.
The French doors at the back of the house were firmly closed. But there was a window open just above the extension had been added to the back of the house only last year.

“It’s a pity. I think I’m too heavy to climb onto that roof” said Uncle Jeff.

“But I can,” said Jeremy. And since there was no other way into the house, Uncle Jeff agreed to lift Jeremy up onto the roof of the porch. He started to scramble up towards the window. But when he got to it, he found that the window was stuck and he couldn’t get it open any more. But there was a higher window that was fully open, and Jeremy thought that he might be able to climb up to that one by getting up onto the garden wall.

“Oh no” called out Uncle Jeff when he saw what Jeremy was trying to do. “That’s too dangerous”.

But Jeremy didn’t listen. He was on the top of the garden wall and now he was trying to stretch across to the high window. But the stretch was too far and he didn’t make it. He fell down to the roof of the porch. The extension to the house hadn’t been made very well by the builders and Jeremy went straight through the roof of the sun room. He landed on top of Mum’s tomato plant.

“Oh,” said Jeremy.

“Oh dear,” said Jeff.

“I don’t think mum’s going to be pleased,” said Jemima.

A nosy neighbour saw what had happened and called the police: He told them:

“There’s a boy who’s just got in through the roof, and man holding what can only be a gun. Then there’s a lass too. She looks really mean.”

“What makes you say it’s a gun sir?” asked the policeman.

“Well I was in the army for fifteen years and I think I know what a gun looks like,” said the neighbour.

It wasn’t often that people with guns tried to break into houses in that area. In fact, Jeremy and Jemima lived on one of the sleepiest and most peaceful streets you could imagine. But the police officer who took the call decided to send an armed response unit just to be on the safe side.

It took Jeremy a few minutes to get over the shock of falling through the roof. He wasn’t badly hurt, but he had cut and bruised himself and he earth in his hair and looked quite a sight. The police car screeched up the drive just as he was letting Uncle Jeff and Jemima in through the front door.

“Armed Police Officers, Freeze !” shouted the policeman.

And Uncle Jeff said, “Don’t shoot. I’ve got a license for this gun.”

Uncle Jeff, Jemima and Jeremy spent the rest of the day at the police station. Jemima and Jeremy were allowed to sit in the waiting room with a policeman and a policewoman sitting on either side of them. They weren’t allowed to talk to each other. Uncle Jeff was taken down to the cells before being interviewed. He gave them his brother’s mobile phone number, but since Mum and Dad were in Paris on a romantic weekend, they had both turned their mobile phones off for the day. It was 10 O’Clock at night before they managed to persuade the police that they weren’t a gang of criminals and could go home.

On Sunday, they all got up rather late.

“Well what shall we do?” asked Uncle Jeff.

“Homework” said Jemima. And Jeremy agreed that they both needed to do their homework. After that, Jemima asked Jeff if they could make a carrot cake, and they got one of mum’s recipe books out and they all did the mixing and baking. The result wasn’t too bad. Then they went out and bought some flowers from the stall for mum and dad. Then they read books and went to bed at seven o clock.

“Well, ” said Uncle Jeff to himself as he watched the football match on TV. “I think a Wicked Uncle has an important role to play in the upbringing of every child. They won’t forget this weekend in a hurry. I’ve set the kids a great example of how NOT to behave. ”

And he had. But funnily enough, Mum and Dad never asked him to look after the kids for the weekend again.

Download the audio of Christmas in Iceland (right click link, save as)

Jason and his parents spend Christmas in Iceland – a wonderful country where ice and snow are guaranteed, and there are volcanoes too. But Jason is not happy. He’s heard that Santa doesn’t visit Iceland – and what use is Christmas without Santa? And it’s true, they don’t have Santa there – but they do have 13 Christmas Imps who bring presents. Well that’s what their Icelandic friend says – but Jason doesn’t believe a silly story like that – even when presents start arriving.

Bertie’s story is based on the Icelandic tradition of Gryla and “The Christmas Boys”.

Picture of Gryla by Salvor Gissurardottir (creative Commons).

Read by Natasha. Duration 22.51

It was December. Jason and his family were in the Airport. The loud speaker announced:

“Last call for Flight IC 377 to Reykjavik. All passengers due to board this flight, please make your way to departure gate 42.”

And Dad said: “Bags of time yet. I still need some duty-frees.”

And Mum said: “Just wait here while I pop to the loo”.

And Jason waited. And when mum and dad both finally got back, they all had to run to catch the plane. They were the last on board – “as usual” – thought Jason.

When eventually they were in the air above the grey clouds of London, Mum said to him:

“What a sad face you have? Aren’t you excited to be spending Christmas in Iceland? Why there’s ice and snow guaranteed – and volcanos too…. ”

“Well yes,” said Jason, “but..”

“But what?” asked Dad

“But Santa doesn’t go to Iceland does he?” said Jason. “What’s the point of spending Christmas in the one country where Santa doesn’t visit. Even if there’s ice and snow and volcanoes, Christmas isn’t any use without Santa.”

Mum and Dad both laughed.

“Why of course he visits iceland,” said Dad. “It’s practically next door to where he lives. It’s his very first stop on his round-the-world tour every Christmas. ”

Jason tried to look cheerful:

“Is that all right then?” asked Dad, “Because you don’t look completely convinced.”

And Jason said:

” Molly at school told me that Santa doesn’t like Iceland and he never goes there.”

“Ha ! don’t believe every bit of idle gossip you hear in the playground. Why would Santa not want to go to Iceland ? His Reindeer love ice and Snow. It’s hot places like Australia that they find difficult.”

And even though Jason knew that Dad wasn’t always right about everything, he decided to believe him this time, because what he said sounded like it was true. And by the time they landed, he was feeling excited about Christmas in Iceland.

And it was true that Iceland was an amazing place. They stayed with dad’s old University friend – whose name was Magnus. He lived on his own Reykjavik, which is the capital, and he even though he was dad’s age, he seemed quite young and friendly, and he quite often said funny or interesting things.

He told them that by law, all icelandic houses must be built strong enough to withstand earthquakes. And all the hot water in Icelandic homes came straight out the ground, already hot. And sometimes farmers would dig up potatoes in the fields that were already cooked.

And Magnus and his girlfriend took Jason and his family out for drives and walks to see frozen lakes, icy glaziers, and bright red streams of boiling lava from the volcanos.

At that time of year, the sun only rose at 11 in the morning – and it set by 4 in the afternoon. But sometimes when they were really lucky, they saw great beams of green, yellow and blue light that curved round the sky like giant flames – and those were the famous Northern Lights. They were fantastic – 100 times better than fireworks on bonfire night.

But it was only after they had been there a couple of days, that Jason remembered to ask Magnus if it was true that Santa really did visit Iceland.

They were just finishing dinner, and Jason’s mum laughed: “He’s been ever so worried because somebody told him at school that Santa doesn’t come here. ”

And Magnus looked very grave and said.

“That’s right. He doesn’t.”

And Jason felt the blood run cold out of his cheeks and he thought he might be sick.

“Oh, don’t joke about Santa,” said mum, “Jason’s deadly serious about him.”

“I’m not joking,” said Magnus, “But don’t worry, Jason, because we are very lucky here. We have thirteen little imps who do Santa’s work for him – and if you are interested, I’ll tell you the story.”

And Jason was very interested, because he thought Magnus was good at telling stories. And this is what Magnus told them.

A long time ago, when Santa first got into the toy business, he set up his factory in the mountains of Iceland. He married an icelandic girl called Gryla, and they had thirteen sons – all impish boys – who used to help them in the factory. And they also had a black cat, who grew and grew until he was simply enormous. For a while Santa was very happy. Every Christmas, children would make their way up to his special toy shop, and Santa and Gryla would hand out presents.

But one Christmas Day, when Santa finished work, he went to look in the Kitchen cupboard for something warming to drink. And to his surprise, he found that the door to the cupboard was locked. And as he shook and rattled the door, he heard a sound from within, – something like children crying. Santa always had a hammer and chisel in his belt for making toys – and he took those out and broke the lock on the door. And inside the cupboard, he found six little children, who shrank back in terror from him.

“Yo, ho ho,” he said. “Don’t be frightened. It’s only me, Santa, and I like little children.”

“You like us for dinner, you mean,” said one little girl.

“Perish the thought ! No, no no. I like to make toys and bring them to children as presents, ” he said. “Even naughty children get a present from Santa – and don’t believe anyone who tells you different.”

And gradually the children came out of the cupboard, and explained that they had come to the factory for their christmas presents, – but they had been caught like mice by a giant black cat, who had picked them up by their collars brought them to this cupboard. Then Santa’s wife, Gryla, and had locked the door and said that they would be served for Christmas dinner because they had been naughty children.

And when Santa heard this story, at first he didn’t believe them because it was so terrible – but then Gryla came into the Kitchen and was furious with him for sneaking into the cupboard and letting their Christmas dinner escape before she had a chance to cook it.

And that was how Santa learned that his wife had turned into a child-eating troll. So of course he had to leave her. He moved to Lapland, and took his reign deer with him. But his thirteen Impish boys stayed behind in Iceland and carried on making toys in the factory. Children didn’t come to the factory anymore, because it was too dangerous, and so every christmas the imps came to all the houses of Iceland with presents.

Only they didn’t always bring nice presents. If a child had been naughty, they left a potato instead.

And because they were imps, they also liked to steal things from the house, especially food.

And Magnus said that as it was December the 12th, the first imp, whose name was Gully, was due to visit that very night, and what he liked best was sheep’s milk, so they had better leave some out for him. And if Jason left his shoes on the window cill, he might find a present inside them the next morning.

So they left out some sheep’s milk, and Jason’s shoes, and in the morning the milk was gone.

And inside Jason’s shoe there was:

A potato.

“Too bad,” said Dad. “You should have done your homework better. Now you’re getting potatoes for Christmas”.

“That’s Rubbish !” said Jason. “I don’t believe in those imps. It’s just your idea of a joke. You told Magnus to make up that silly story. ”

But Magnus swore that it was a true story. And he said that that night, they would be visited by Stubby, who liked to drink warm milk. So they left some warm milk out for Stubby,and Jason again put his shoes on the window cill.

And in the morning, the warm milk was gone and inside his shoe jason found

- A bar of chocolate.

And Jason ate the chocolate. But it he still didn’t believe the story about the 13 Christmas imps. He thought it was just Dad and Magnus playing a trick on him.

And the following night, Magnus said that they would be visited by Itty Bitty,and that he was very small and would sneak into the kitchen like a mouse and steal any crumb that he could find.

And in the morning, Magnus said he was sure that Itty Bitty had been and had nibbled some cheese and biscuits.

And in his shoe, Jason found – a toy car.

He liked the car. But he still didn’t believe in the 13 Christmas imps.

And the following night, Magnus said that they would be visited by Pot Scraper, who was extremely thin, and was so hungry that he would steal any left-overs or scraps. And instead of clearing away his plate after dinner, Magnus left it on the table, and in the morning it was licked clean.

And next to his shoe, Jason found a book about famous footballers – he read the book, – but still he didn’t believe in the 13 Christmas imps.

And the following night, Magnus said that they would be followed by Bowl Licker. And he left out a red wooden bowl that his girlfriend had used to make a chocolate cake. And in the morning it was licked clean.

And next to his shoes, Jason found a little wooden helicopter with blades that went round by solar power. He had seen one of those when he had been out shopping with mum in London – and he remembered how mum had said what a great idea it was to learn about renewable energy – and he reckoned that she had brought it with her to Iceland.

And although he thought the solar-powered helicopter was interesting, he still didn’t believe in the 13 Christmas imps.

And the following night Magnus said that they would be visited by Door Slammer. And while Jason lay in bed. he heard all the doors in the house slamming, one by one – and it was really creepy. But he thought it was just dad and Magnus playing a trick.

And in the morning, beside his shoe, he found a DVD of Kung Fu Panda. And he watched the DVD, but still he didn’t believe in the 13 Christmas imps.

And the following Night Magnus said that they would be visited by Skyr Gobbler. He explained the Skry was like yoghurt. And so he left some Skyr out for the imp. And in the morning it was gone.

And beside his shoe, Jason found – a racing car set, with tracks, and electric stunt cars that could loop the loop in mid air.

And Jason though that the present was really cool. But still he didn’t believe in the 13 Christmas imps.

And that night, Magnus said that they would be visited by Sausage Snatcher, who was really old and wrinkly, and whose face was dirty and sooty. He was good good at climbing into the rafters of the house where in old days they used to hang sausages. And so Magnus left a sausage up in the loft for him.

And in the morning, the sausage was gone. And in his shoe, Jason found :

A tangerine.

And Jason ate the tangerine. But he still didn’t believe in the 13 Christmas imps.

And that night, Magnus said that they would be visited by Window Peeper. He said that he would be looking through the windows to see what he could steal. So he left out some chocolates on the table.

And that night, as he lay in bed, Jason heard a noise at the window. And he got up and drew the curtain, and expected to see Dad or Magnus.

But instead he saw a huge black cat. It’s green eyes stared at him, and then it disappeared into the shadows. Jason thought that was rather creepy.

And in the morning, the chocolates were gone, and by his shoes, Jason found:

Two tickets to a West-End show And Dad said that the imp must have left them for mum. So Jason gave them to her and she was really pleased.

But still Jason’ didn’t believe in the 13 Christmas imps – because how would they know that mum wanted to see “Love-Story on Ice?”

And that night, Magnus said that they would be visited by Doorway Sniffer. He liked to hang around by the kitchen door, sniffing for the smell of fresh bread. So he left a loaf of crusty bread on the table. And in the morning it was gone.

And by his shoe Jason found :

A large deer-stalker hat, and Dad said that the imp must have left it for him, and he was really pleased.

But still Jason did not believe in the 13 Christmas imps, because how would they know that Dad had terrible taste in clothes?

And that night Magnus said that they would be visited by Meat Hooker, who liked to dangle a hook down the chimney and catch any ham or fish that was smoking there. Magnus didn’t have a chimney, but he left a lamb chop out on the kitchen table for him, and in the morning it was gone.

And in his left shoe, Jason found:

A 16 Gigabyte Mp3 player – and he thought that was pretty cool. But still he wasn’t sure about the Christmas imps – because how would they know that he had asked Santa for an MP3 player?

And that night would be Christmas Eve. And Magnus said that they would be visited by the last of the imps, whose name was Candle Snatcher, and he liked to steal light bulbs, and so he left a 50 watt bulb on the kitchen table for him.

And Jason thought that he would finally prove that the 13 imps didn’t exist. He would get up in the night, hide by the kitchen door, and catch Dad or Magnus red-handed as they stole the light bulb off the table.

And so that night he stayed awake. And when it was really, really late he reached over to turn on the lamp by his bed – but it didn’t switch on. “That’s strange”, he thought. The bulb must have broken. He crept onto the landing, and down the stairs, and as he was next to the kitchen door, he heard a noise from within.

“I bet that’s one of them stealing the light bulb,” he said. And so he jumped through the door and shouted “Caught you !” as he flicked the switch of the kitchen light.

But no light came on.

And it was dark inside the kitchen.

“Dad ? Magnus? Is that you?” he asked?

But there was no reply. Just then the sky through the kitchen window turned pale green and the room filled with an eery light.

And by the kitchen table, he saw a little figure. It had a strange, yellow face, with bright cat-like eyes- and pointy ears. In its hand it held a light bulb. The figure started to float upwards and backwards without moving its feet, and in a moment or two it had vanished through the glass of the window – even though it was tripple-glazed and firmly shut.

And in the morning there was nothing by Jason’s shoe.

But he did believe in the 13 Christmas imps.

Download the MP3 Audio (right click, save as)

Christmas is the happiest time of year, but sometimes something terrible happens – like a kid misses it all together.

That’s what happened one year to a girl called Natalie.

Natalie’s life was almost perfect – apart from her annoying little brother called Joe. There was just one thing she didn’t like doing – and that was getting up in the morning. Her Dad was always warning that one day she would miss something important. And one day she did.

But fortunately this is time of year when no problem can’t be solved…. with just a little magic.

Read by Natasha. Duration 14.48.

The Girl Who Missed Christmas:

Once upon a time, there was a little girl called Natalie.

Natalie was six. She lived on a nice house, in a nice street. She had a little brother called Joe, and dog called Marmalade.

And most of the time Natalie was happy.

She played with her friends.

She played with her dog.

Sometimes she even played with Joe – when he wasn’t being annoying.

But there was one thing Natalie didn’t like.

Getting up.

Every morning her Dad would come into her room and say: “C’mon Natalie, time to get up.”

And Natalie would say: “Just one more minute.”

“Now, now, you’ll be late for school,” said Dad.

“Just one tiny minute,” Natalie would say. “Pleeeeeeease…..”

“Now, Natalie.”

“It’s so warm in bed,” Natalie would moan.

And so it went on every morning.

Dad would shout at Natalie to get up.

Mum would shout at her.

And Marmalade the dog would bark.

And Joe would already be up.

And then Mum would shout at her again.

And the dog would bark even louder.

But Natalie just pulled the cover over her ears.

Because Natalie just really, really, really hated getting out of bed in the morning.

“You know, Natalie, one day you’re going to miss something really important because you stay in bed to long,” said Dad.

As it happened, something very important was about to happen. The nights were getting longer, and the leaves were falling from the trees, and soon Natalie was getting very excited because it was getting close to Christmas.

And she had so many different things she had asked for.

She wanted a new game for her Nintendo DS.

And a doll that cried real tears.

And a new DVD.

And lots and lots and lots of things.

Of course, she had to rehearse for the school play – except she nearly missed it because she was sleeping in.

And she had to go and see Santa in the grotto – but she nearly missed that as well because she didn’t want to get out of bed.

“I just don’t what to do about all this sleeping,” said Mum.

But Natalie didn’t care.

If I want to stay in bed, why shouldn’t I? she decided to herself.

So finally Christmas Eve arrived. And Natalie was so excited she found it really hard to get to sleep. She wanted to stay and see if she could really see Santa. She tried ever so hard to stay awake as long as she could.

But eventually, she went off to sleep.

And she slept.

And slept.

And slept.

At one point she heard Dad coming into the room to wake her – but she just rolled over, put the pillow over her head, and went back to sleep again.

Finally she decided she she had been so long in bed that it was starting to get boring.

She pulled away the pillow and looked towards the window.

It was morning.

“Wow, it’s Christmas day,” said Natalie. “I’m so excited.”

She looked towards the end of her bed.

But where was the stocking? she wondered.

Where had Santa left all his toys?

Natalie jumped out of bed, and ran downstairs.

She was quite out of breath – because she’d never jumped out of bed before.

“Mum, Dad, its Christmas,” she shouted.

She glanced around the room.

Joe was playing with a new toy car.

Mum was folding away some used wrapping paper.

Dad was reading a boring looking book with no pictures — in fact, the sort of book Mum gave him every year.

And Marmalade the dog was eating something that looked suspiciously like turkey leftovers.

“Mum, Dad, it’s Christmas,” shouted Natalie, even louder this time.

There was a silence.

Everyone looked at her – everyone that is except Marmalade who was busy eating turkey.

“It’s Christmas…isn’t it?” said Natalie, more quietly now.

“You mean, it was Christmas,” said Dad.

“You slept right through,” said Mum.

“We tried to wake you,” said Dad.

“But, but, but….” Said Natalie.

“I told you you’d miss something important one day,” said Dad.

“It was really good,” said Joe. “We had loads of food, and loads of presents.”

“And I missed it,” wailed Natalie.

And she started to cry.

And cry.

And cry.

“Sorry,” said Dad. “It also means you didn’t get any presents from Santa. But don’t worry, there will be another Christmas next year.”

“It’s not faaaaair,” wailed Natalie.

“But I always told you you’d miss something important if you didn’t get out of bed in time,” said Dad. “Now, help me clear away all this wrapping paper….”

But Natalie just walked out of the house.

She walked through the garden.

And across the park.

When she got there, she cried and cried.

She was so upset about missing Christmas.

And she didn’t know how she could wait for a whole year.

Now, it so happened that it was still very early in the morning.

And the sun was only just coming up, so it was still quite dark.

And at that very moment, Santa was just trudging his way across the sky in his sleigh on his way back to Lapland.

He was very tired.

And so were the reindeer, because they’d been all around the world delivering presents to all the children.

But, even though he was tired, he couldn’t help noticing one little girl sitting on a park bench all by herself.

And crying and crying.

“Whoa there Rudolf,” said Santa. “I wonder what’s wrong with that girl.”

“Maybe she didn’t like her presents,” said Rudolf, who was hungry and tired, and wanted to get back to his grotto to get some food. “Kids today! No gratitude….”

“We better see,” said Santa.

And so he pulled the sleigh down into the park.

“What’s the matter?” asked Santa.

But Natalie was so upset, she just kept crying, and her eyes were so full of water she couldn’t see anything.

“Huh, she’s probably upset because she only got one Nintendo, ten Polly Pockets, and a dozen Barbie dolls,” said Rudolph. “Kids today! When I started this job they were happy with a small piece of wood and an orange. The stuff you have to carry noawadays. It’s hardly surprising my back hurts.”

“Didn’t you like your presents?” said Santa.

Natalie rubbed her eyes, and then looked up.

And she gasped.

Santa was sitting right next to her.

“Oh-my-gosh,” she said. “Is it….you?”

“Shhhhh,” said Santa. “You see I’m not really supposed to show myself to children.”

“We’ll be in trouble for this,” moaned Rudolph. “I told you we should have gone straight home.”

But Natalie gave Santa a hug.

“You see Santa, I slept right through Christmas….and now I’ve missed it.”

“Oh dear, oh dear,” said Santa.

Then he looked towards the house.

“We’ve still got a few things left in the sack,” he said. “So go inside, and check the fireplace in your bedroom in a few minutes.”

“But, but….”

“Just go,” said Santa.

So Natalie stated to walk home.

And Santa went back to his sleigh.

“We’re not doing another delivery are we,” said Rudolph. “Because, that’s overtime, that what that is…I’ll need an extra carrot for that.”

“Oh, c’mon you lazy animal,” said Santa.

And then Natalie came back into the house.

She couldn’t believe her eyes.

Jingle bells was playing on the hi-fi.

Everyone was wearing hats.

And her mum had re-heated some turkey and made some fresh roast potatoes.

“We thought we’d re-start Christmas,” said Dad. “Just for you.”

And Natalie jumped up and down, then ran upstairs.

Because in the fireplace in her bedroom there was stocking bursting with presents – there was a doll with real tears, a princess on a white pony, game for her nintendo, and, finally, after she had opened all the other presents from Santa there was one special one from Dad – An Alarm Clock !

So for the rest of the day, Natalie had the best Christmas ever.

And do you know what?

A couple of weeks later it was the first day of a new term.

Dad came into the bedroom. “Wake up, Natalie. Time to go back to school,” he said.

The he looked around.

“Natalie,” he said, sounding worried. “Natalie..”

But he couldn’t see her anywhere.

Then he heard a voice from downstairs.

So he rushed down to kitchen.

And Natalie was out of bed, had put on her school uniform and brushed her hair, and had made breakfast for everyone.

“I’m never going to be late for anything again, Dad,” she said.

Download the Audio of Big Sister’s Clothes

This is a story about two sisters:

• A Big Sister
• And a Little Sister

The big sister was called Debbie. And the little sister was called Daisy. Debbie was seven. And Daisy was four. And most of the time, they were great friends. Even when Daisy broke some of Debbie’s toys, she didn’t mind too much. And most of the time Daisy didn’t mind being the little sister. But just occasionally, it made her very cross indeed. And this story is about one of those days.

A modern story specially written for Storynory. Read by Natasha. Duration 11.30 minutes.

It started out a pretty ordinary sort of day. It was the holidays, and there was no school, so as soon as the two girls got up, they started playing. They played with their dolls in their room. They went down to breakfast, and played with their eggy soldiers. And then they went out to the garden and played on the swings.

And Daisy decided it was shaping up into quite a nice day. Because the thing she really like best of all was playing with her big sister.

But then it all started to go very wrong.

“Come on Debbie,” said their Mum. “It’s time to go to Girl Guides.”

“Me come too, me come too,” said Daisy, jumping up and down.

“Don’t be silly,” said Mum. “You have to be seven to join the girl guides.”

Daisy felt a bit cross about that.

Still, it would be fun when Debbie got home.

But when Debbie did get home, she didn’t have any time to play.

She had to work on her school project.

“Can I work on my school project?” asked Daisy.

But Mum just laughed. “Don’t be silly,” she said. “You don’t even go to proper school yet.”

And Daisy felt a bit cross about that as well.

After that, it was time for bed.

“I’ll take you up,” said Dad, picking Daisy up off the sofa.

“What about Debbie?” said Daisy.

“She can stay up later,” said Dad. “Because she’s the big sister.”

And that, thought Daisy, is that. Now I’m really cross.

Really, really.

“It’s not fair,” she wailed. “When am I going to be the big sister?”

Dad paused for a second. “Well, never,” he said. “Debbie’s always going to be the big sister, and your always going to be the little sister.”

“But, but, but….”

But Daisy was so cross she couldn’t even finish the sentence.

“That’s just the way it is,” said Dad.

“Night, titch…” said Debbie.

And after that, Daisy sat in bed. And she felt so, so, so angry, she felt she might explode. Never be the big sister, she thought to herself.

“It’s just not fair.”

She was just about to close her eyes when suddenly she saw a fairy at the bottom of her bed.

“Who are you?” she asked.

The fairy skipped across to Daisy’s pillow. “I’m the age fairy,” she said.

“The age fairy?” asked Daisy. “What’s that?”

And then it dawned on her.

“Can you…can you help little sisters who really want to be big sisters?”

The fairy nodded. “But only if they really want to.”

“I really do,” said Daisy. “Really, really.”

And so the fairy skipped into the wardrobe. She waved her wand, and then she pointed to a red dress. “I’ve turned that into Big Sisters Clothes,” she said. “Just put on that dress, and suddenly you’ll be the big sister, and Debbie will be the little sister.”

And then the fairy vanished. And as she closed her eyes and went to sleep, Daisy was wondering what it might be like be the big sister for a change. She was a bit frightened, but also excited…because big sisters seemed to have so much fun.

The next morning Daisy woke up early. She was really excited about being the big sister, so she snuck into the wardrobe and put on the red dress.

And suddenly she was the big sister. “Oh-my-gosh,” she said. “This is so amazing.”

She whirled around a little bit. And then she saw that Debbie was waking up.

And Debbie was the little sister.

“I want to play with you, said Debbie, holding out her favourite Barbie doll.

But just now Daisy wasn’t sure she wanted to play with Debbie. She was enjoying being seven a bit too much.

“In a minute,” she said.

“I want to play with you NOW!” shrieked Debbie.

And then Dad walked into the room, carrying a cup of coffee and a newspaper. And Debbie was crying and crying about how she wanted to play with her big sister, and stamping her foot, and going bright red in the face.

“We, er, just play with her for a bit will you Daisy,” said Dad.

But Daisy didn’t really want to. “But, er, Dad…”

“Great, thanks,” said Dad, walking out of the room.

And so Daisy had to play with her little sister just to cheer her up.

“Daisy, Daisy, where are you?” shouted Mum, running into the room.

“What?” said a startled Daisy.

“You haven’t taken the dog out,” shouted Mum. “She’s barking and barking.”

So Daisy put on her coat, and walked outside with the dog. But the dog was quite strong and was pulling her this way and that, and she was feeling quite cold.

So she was relieved when she got inside, because she was really hungry now and needed some hot breakfast.

“Sorry,” said Debbie, when Daisy arrived at the table. “I thought you’d gone out so I ate your eggy soldiers.”

“Wha, wha, whaaaaaaat!” screamed Daisy.

“Now don’t argue girls,” said Mum.

“But she ate my breakfast,” shouted Daisy.

“Well, she’s only small, she can’t help it,” said Mum. “I’ll get you some museli instead.”

“I don’t like muesli,” grumped Daisy.

“Well, you have to eat it because you’re a big girl, and you have to eat healthy foods.”

“I want a chocolate milk shake,” said Daisy.

“Don’t be silly,” said Mum.

And so Daisy had two spoonfuls of muesli but she really couldn’t eat any more than that because it was yucky.

And when she had finished, she thought she would go out on the swings to play.

“Where are you going, young lady,” said Mum.

“To the swings,” said Daisy.

“Not until you’ve tidied your room,” said Mum.

“Done what?”

Daisy was shocked and horrified. She never tied her room….not ever.

“Go on, quick,” said Mum.

So Daisy trudged upstairs. And on the bedroom floor, Debbie had pulled lots of toys out of their boxes and spread them everywhere.

And now Daisy had to pick them all up.

“It’s so unfair,” she said out loud.

Finally she was finished, and she went back downstairs.

Maybe at last she could go out to the garden and play.

“What about your project?” said Dad.

“My…my….”

But Daisy was speechless.

“It has to be finished by today,” said Dad.

“Just a minute,” said Daisy firmly.

And she went back upstairs to her bedroom.

She went to the wardrobe.

And she took off the red dress.

And put on a little girls dress instead.

So that suddenly she was the little sister again.

“I want to play with you,” she said to Debbie, when she went back downstairs again.

“Oh, I’m busy now,” said Debbie.

“That’s okay,” said Daisy sweetly. “I’ll go and play in the garden by myself.”

She played by herself for the rest of the morning. And decided that being the little sister wasn’t so bad after all.

Download Christmas Writing Competiton Winners.

Natasha reads two very special stories were written by the young winners of Bertie’s Christmas Storynory Writing Competition. As it happens, both stories are about dolls – but the tales are very different. So well done Alisa Pullum and Michelle Dufflocq! And Bertie sends a special commendation to Claire Castle aged 7. He says you are all very talented and hopes that you will keep on writing.

Read by Natasha.

Christmas Miracle by Alisa Pullum

Once upon a time, there was a house on top of a very tall hill. In that house, there lived three little children. There was Matt the oldest, which would always get into trouble with his little sister Erika, and little brother Chris. Matt would go up to Erika and take her most favorite little doll while saying, “Oh Erika! Help me, Help me!” in a squeaky girls voice and prance around her room. Then he would go outside and run around the yard still saying “Please help me Erika! Oh Help, Help!” still using his squeaky girly voice. Chris would always chase Matt and grab Erika’s doll. Then everything would be calm, Erika and Chris would play a little board game, and Matt would sit on the couch and pout all evening long, just because his little siblings had won.

Mother would then come home with groceries and ask them,”how was your day?” Erika and Chris would always say,”It was Ok, I guess.” Just because they didn’t want Matt to get in trouble. When ever Matt gets in trouble he gets yelled at all day, and the next day he won’t even talk, not even one word would come out of his mouth. So every Doll!” day when something bad happens, they would keep their mouth’s shut. But one day Matt did something very bad. He took one of Erika’s dolls, using his squeaky girls voice and pranced around the room, as usual. But when he went out side he gave the doll to his dog, Harold. Harold took the innocent little doll and shook it with his teeth. There was stuffing going everywhere like it was snowing! Oh how Erika screamed and cried,”Down Boy! Give Me Back My Doll!” She begged that for a while until Harold finally let go. The yard was a mess! there was a doll arm there, and a leg here, and the little doll head was right at her feet. Chris could not fix or help with this.

When mother came home that day she saw Erika crying with her doll head in her arms and Chris comforting her. On the couch was Matt laughing and saying, “YES! Victory is mine, all mine!” Then she asked Erika what had happened. “Matt gave my doll to Harold and now I only have her head.” she said moaning with tears. Moms face got red, as red as the burning sun, as red as fire burning clearly in the yard. She went to Matt and grabbed him by the ear. “I’m sure santa won’t give you any presents!” She said. Matt’s ears got scolded with these words and moaned with pain. He was in his room yelling and kicking everywhere!

Three months passed and soon there was three days before christmas. Erika still had her doll head in her arms and had never forgiven her brother after that day. Every night she would prey and say, ” Dear sweet santa, your beard as white as snow, your bells sound as beautiful as a carol, your suit as red as blood, oh please fix my doll.” Then she would go to bed. On Christmas eve, her family came over and exchanged gifts all night long. After the feast, every one went home. So Erika went under the tree and placed her doll head under it and then said, “Dear sweet santa, your beard as white as snow, Your sleigh as sparkly as sun rays, your suit as red as blood, oh please fix my doll.” So she went to sleep and had a very strange dream. It was Christmas and Matt got a large bike and rode it outside all day long. Chris got a cool board game and played it peacefully. But in Erika’s box there was a piece of coal! She woke up terrified and went down stairs to look under the christmas tree. But she did not just see presents, she saw santa holding her doll head! He put christmas dust on it and in seconds the doll had a body with a beautiful dress on it! Even a crown that even she could wear!

Tears of joy ran down her cheeks and before she new it, she was hugging santa clause exclaiming, “Oh, thank you santa! Oh, thank you so much! I knew you would come, I just knew it!” Santa hugged her back and said with a smile, “If you are good I will come with a present just for you. I heard you talking about me so I would like to give you a bell from my sleigh but be careful. If you do not believe me, you will not hear it’s sweet music it would play for you.” More tears of joy ran down her cheeks and she said with joy, “I will always believe you santa. I will, I will!” She hugged him tighter than before and finally let go and when she did, he snapped his fingers and he disappeared while saying, “HO, HO, HO. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!” and he was off! Everyone woke up and Chris got a peaceful board game and played it, Erika got what she wanted, and sadly, Matt got something, but it was a piece of coal! from that day on, everything in that house was peaceful and they all lived happily ever after. Even Matt.

The Ice Doll by Michelle Dufflocq

There once was a little girl named Sunny. She had no brothers or sisters, and at her school everyone teased her. In general she was lonely. But one night on Christmas Eve at exactly mid-night, she wished on a star. Dear star: I would like a friend, the kindest and sweetest friend ever. I would like her for a Christmas present. I do not need anything else. If you grant me this wish, I shall be the happiest girl on earth. And then she went to sleep. The next day was Christmas. There were all sorts of presents to open and lovely things to eat. After that Sunny went outside to play in the snow. She went running all around the yard looking for her friend. Suddenly she tripped on something. Owww! She said, then standing up to go see what she tripped on. It was a small doll; that has about the size of her hand. She was so beautiful yet so dainty and delicate, that she seemed to be made out of ice. You shall be my friend. What’s your name? My name is Sunny, said the girl. My name is Ice, said the doll. Yet her lips didn’t move. Well Ice, said Sunny. We shall do everything that friends do, we shall go ice-skating, we will read books, go to the sea side in when it’s warm again, and play together. Come with me, we shall go inside, said Sunny, picking up the doll.

But as soon as Sunny and Ice were in the house, Sunny notist that Ice was slightly smaller than before. I must be seeing things, thot Sunny.

Sunny and Ice did everything friend do, they read books together, baked cookies together, went ice skating, and played games together. Soon it was time to go to sleep.

By that time the ice doll was about the size of a pea. I shall make you a little bed on my dresser, so you can sleep peacefully, said Sunny. They both got in to bed, and dreamt sweet dreams.

The sun rose and Sunny opened her eyes. She got up, put on her dressing gown, put on her slippers, and ran to go say good morning to Ice. But alas, instead of Ice all there was was a small puddle of water. For Ice was indeed made out of ice. And she had melted during the nights sleep. Sunny looked into the puddle, planning to see her reflection. But instead she saw Ice, with a tear in her eye.

But alas, Sunny’s life continued. She went to school, did her homework, and before she knew it, it was Christmas again. There she was trudging threw the snow, but suddenly she tripped on something. Owww! Said Sunny, and then going to see what it was.

And it was Ice!

Download The Maiden and the Frog

The world seems to be full of stories about young girls who help frogs who then turn out to be princes. The Brothers Grimm wrote the famous “Frog Prince” but this version is by by James Orchard Halliwell-Phillipps (1820-1829).

As a special bonus, you will hear Natasha sing. And while we are mentioning Natasha, you might like to read some news about her.

Read by Natasha. Duration 11 minutes.

You can find more variations on the the Frog Prince story at D.L. Ashliman’s site.

Many years ago there lived on the brow of a mountain, in the north of England, an old woman and her daughter. They were very poor, and had to work very hard for their living, and the old woman’s temper was not very good, so that the young girl, who was very beautiful, led but an ill life with her.

The girl did all the hardest work, for her mother scratched a living by going around the neighbourhood selling small things, and when she came home in the afternoon, she was tiered and not able to do much more. Nearly all the housework fell to the daughter. Her most tiresome duty was to fetch the water from a well on the other side of the hill, there being no river or spring near their own cottage.

It happened one morning that the daughter had the misfortune, when going to the well, to fall and break the only large pot they owned, and having nothing else that she could use to carry water, she had to go home without any. When her mother came home, she was very thirsty, and the girl, though trembling because of her ill luck, had to tell the old woman that there was no water for her to drink.

The old woman was furiously angry, and pointed to a sieve which happened to be on the table, and told her to go at once to the well and bring her some water in that, or never again to show her face in the cottage.

The young girl, frightened almost out of her wits by her mother’s fury, speedily took the sieve, and though she thought that it was a hopeless task to try and fetch water using a sieve full of holes, she hurried off to the well as if in a dream. When she arrived there, she began to think over the terrible situation, and how impossible it would be for her to survive on her own, and in deepest despair, she fell down by the side of the well and sobbed.

After a while, a frog hopped out of the well and asked her why she was crying so bitterly. She was somewhat surprised at this, but not being the least frightened, told him the whole story, and that she was crying because she could not carry away water in the sieve.

“Is that all?” said the frog; “cheer up, my hinny! for if you will only let me sleep with you for two nights, and then chop off my head, I will tell you how to do it.”

The maiden thought that the silly frog was talking nonsense, but she was too unhappy to waste time arguing with him, and promised to do what he asked. The frog then instructed her in the following words:

Stop with moss
And daub with clay;
And that will carry
The water away.

Having said this, he dived immediately under the water, and the girl, realised that what he had said made perfect sense. She went around and picked up some moss and clay, and used them to fill up the holes in the sieve. She then filled the sieve with water and hurried home, not thinking much of her promise to the frog. By the time she reached home, the old woman’s temper had calmed down, but as they were eating their poor supper very quietly, what should they hear but the splashing and croaking of a frog near the door, and shortly afterwards the daughter recognized the voice of the frog of the well singing:

Open the door, my hinny, my heart,
Open the door, my own darling, my belle;
Remember the promise you made to me
In the meadow beside the wishing well.

She was now dreadfully frightened, and hurriedly explained what had happened to her mother, who was also so much alarmed at the situation. They both thought it best to let this remarkable frog come in side, for they feared that he might cast some nasty spell on them otherwise. When the door was opened, the frog leaped into the room, singing:

Go wi’ me to bed, my hinny, my heart,
Go wi’ me to bed, my darling, my belle;
Remember the promise you made to me,
In the meadow beside the wishing well.

The young girl did as he asked , although as may be readily supposed, she did not much relish such a bedfellow. The next day, the frog was very quiet, and evidently enjoyed the food they placed before him for breakfast, the purest milk and the finest bread they could find. In fact, neither the old woman nor her daughter spared any pains to make the frog comfortable. That night, immediately supper was finished, the frog again sang:

Go wi’ me to bed, my hinny, my heart,
Go wi’ me to bed, my darling, my belle;
Remember the promise you made to me,
In the meadow beside the wishing well.

She again allowed the frog to share her couch, and in the morning, as soon as she was dressed, he jumped towards her, singing:

Chop off my head, my hinny, my heart,
Chop off my head, my darling, my belle;
Remember the promise you made to me,
In the meadow beside the wishing well.

So the young girl did as he asked, and no sooner had she chopped off his head than in the place of the frog, there stood by her side the handsomest prince in the world, who had long been transformed by a magician, and who could never have recovered his natural shape until a beautiful maiden had agreed, of her own accord, to make him her bedfellow for two nights. The joy of both was complete; the girl and the prince were shortly afterwards married, and lived for many years in the enjoyment of every happiness.